LOS ANGELES, CA -
Award winning actress, Gwyneth Paltrow, found herself “So hungry I could eat gluten!” after accepting a food stamp challenge to only eat $29 worth of groceries per week in an effort to bring attention to the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP).
Paltrow’s grocery purchase included a dozen eggs, kale, an avocado, gluten free tortillas, cilantro and seven limes.
“I wanted my experience to be as real life as possible, so I sent my assistant out to buy the groceries with a list I made that morning. I specifically said, don’t go to the members only Pesticide/GMO/Gluten Free All Natural Buddhist Farm Coop - go to the grocery stores where all the poor people go,” said Paltrow.
Paltrow's assistant, Jenny Mason, 26, has been working for Paltrow for 2 years.
“I’m proud of Gwyneth for doing this challenge. I was happy to go to a poor people grocery store for her," Mason said. “Gwyneth started Goop, you know, so she’s an official expert on healthy eating. She’s always scolding me about all the “pesticide coffee” I’m drinking. “Oh, made another trip to StarButts?” she says, but I know she just wants what’s best for me.”
Mason soon discovered it would be nearly impossible to purchase everything on Paltrow’s list, but did the best she could with $1.50 to spare.
“When she got back and told me there wasn’t enough money in the budget for chia seeds and raw coconut, my heart broke,” said Paltrow. “Poor people are all going to die of cancer and we’re worried about ISIS? Come on! A little perspective people!”
Paltrow felt positive about the food her assistant was able to buy, but wasn’t confident it could last her the entire week. “As I was nibbling on my cilantro leaf with a squeeze of lime, I became very concerned. The avocado was already starting to go soft and I had six days left. I thought death was a real outcome of this stupid challenge.”
It didn’t take long for people to take their opinions to Twitter:
By day three, Paltrow had eaten most of her food and was starting to wear down from hunger. “I was nibbling on the last bit of raw garlic and realized I wasn’t going to make it. I told my assistant to buy something, anything with the remaining $1.50 that could prevent me from starving to death. She came back with Totino's Pizza Rolls.”
“I know this type of food is poison, Gwyneth reminds me everyday," said Mason. "I didn’t know what was going to kill her first, the pizza rolls, her hunger or all the raw garlic she was eating.”
Paltrow was willing to take her chances. “After the pizza rolls came out of the microwave, I just shoved the franken-food in my face, I was so desperate.” Paltrow said. “I think I have third-degree burns on the roof of my mouth, but I don’t care. I was so starving, nothing mattered. It may have been the worst moment of my life.”
After eating an entire box just to herself, Paltrow admits that satiated feels better than starving, but just barely. “Because of all the gluten, I’ve had to wear the underwear I wore on the set of Shallow Hall. I blew up like John Goodman in a matter of seconds.”
Despite her harrowing experience, Paltrow remains thankful.
“I’m going to survive to care for my children despite poor people food poisoning, and right now, that’s all that matters.”
This post is satire. Please don't send angry tweets to Gwyneth.