PORTLAND, OR -
Claire and Bert Anderson, a hipster couple in Portland Oregon, sold their 3000 sq. ft. home to live in a trendy tiny house smaller than their coat closet. Within 8 hours of moving in, however, the couple filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences.
Tiny houses have become one of the latest trends in home ownership as depicted on HGTV's latest show, Tiny House Big Living.
“We thought a tiny house would be an adventure. We’d limit our carbon footprint, rid ourselves of material excess and grow closer together. I knew within 2 minutes of moving in we had made a huge mistake,” said Claire. “It’s like we signed up for some type of social experiment because we’re idiots.”
The Anderson’s admit their partner’s personal habits, smells and “sound of their stupid voice” contributed to the dissolution of their marriage. “He snorts up his snot and clears his throat like it’s some kind of Tourrets' tic,” said Claire. “If he did something to annoy me before, I could move into another room, now there’s nowhere in the house I’m not still able to touch him. Try pooping in this house, I dare you.”
Picture above: A happy Bert and Claire Anderson before their tiny house ruined their lives.
Bert blamed his discomfort on Claire’s constant droning on and on about a fight she had with her girl friend that has yet to be resolved. “In the Portland house, she could talk my ear off about stupid crap, sure,” Bert said. “But in the tiny house, it’s like her girl drama is being wrapped around my neck and I can’t breathe. I used to think her laugh was charming, now it’s like Fran Drescher shrunk herself and lives in my ears. Describing this experience as pure hell doesn’t even scratch the surface.”
Their tiny house includes a living area, kitchen, bathroom and bedroom, with the entire living space the size of a King sized bed.
“Look at his beard!” said Claire. “His hair is all over me and the house like we have 10 dogs living here! My closet is the size of a shoe box, BECAUSE IT’S AN ACTUAL SHOE BOX! I have so much anxiety just thinking about how much I hate this house,” she said pausing to hold back tears. “I’m sorry I have to go.” Claire promptly ended the interview to go breathe in a paper sack.
The Anderson’s said they “unequivocally” blame the extremely tight quarters of their tiny house for making them hate each other and life in general, causing the end of their three year marriage. Their tiny house is now for sale on Craigslist listed for “$15,000 or whatever, just take the freaking thing before we kill each other.”
This post is satire. Image credit Tiny House Design Facebook. Couple pictured: Brady Hubbard and Natalie Peluso.