8 Ways to Eat Crow after You Have Kids

Parenting was a lot easier before you had kids, right? We understand. We were once perfect parents without children too. There were so many things our offspring would never do: act like a child, behave in a developmentally-appropriate-but-undesirable manner, and willfully disregard our wise parental counsel.

If you’re like us, you probably muttered the phrase, “When I have kids, they’ll never…” a few too many times. Now that you have erratic little sh*t-disturbers of your own, it’s biting you in the backside. (Don’t worry. We have bite marks too.) Well, saddle up at the crow-eating table with the rest of us. We’re enjoying a variety of dishes.

 

Bacon-Wrapped Crow Thighs

We know you swore you’d only eat whole, non-processed foods during your pregnancy. And that you’d be a regular at pre-natal Pilates. These deep-fried thighs are served with a triple-cheese-and-irony dipping sauce and delivered straight to your couch. Dig in and be thankful you can keep this food down. Wipe the grease on your yoga pants and let your gym membership collect dust on the bookcase.

 

Crow à l’orange

The perfect meal for your birthing suite! Slow-roasted and paired with a delicate orange-and-self-righteousness sauce and your personal selection of music. At least that’s the plan. Reality is, we’ll serve you whatever the fuck we feel like in the labor and delivery room—you’ll just throw it back up into the water-birth pool anyway. Sit back and watch the menu and your birthing plan explode. Just be happy your baby is here.

 

Sautéed Crow Breast

These bite-sized succulent morsels are pan-fried with mushrooms, rosemary, and despair, and served bedside, ensuring you only need one hand to eat your meal. The other hand is free to cradle your new bed companion. WHOM YOU SWORE WOULD BE SLEEPING IN HER OWN CRIB.

 

Crow Bisque

Were you bound and determined to breastfeed your baby for at least a year? Did you silently (or not-so-silently) judge all of those formula feeders—and now you’re one of them? This velvety, creamy soup seasoned with thyme and resignation will soothe and comfort you as you adjust to your new reality. Don’t worry about the source of the dairy—all that matters is that you (and your child) are eating.

 

Crow Nuggets

Thought your child would be eating organic free-range crow by now? Served with gourmet seasonal sauces and well-rounded side dishes? NOPE.

We’ve machine-formed and breaded crow meat into microwavable nuggets. Heat them up and serve with ketchup and desperation. And just be happy that your child is eating something. Anything. As an extra bonus—you get to eat the leftovers.

 

Crow Candy

These sugary delicacies are straight-up bribes to avoid tantrums and ensure good behavior in public places. Give them to your little hellion, who is not quite the cherub of your dreams. Save the chocolate-and-acquiescence-covered crow for yourself. The tryptophan will elevate your serotonin levels.

 

Crow Pizza 

The random toppings on this messy pie are thrown about in a haphazard and disorganized fashion—not unlike the toys and supplies in your home. That you vowed would never reach a state of chaos. That you vowed would remain immaculate. Enjoy this one-dish meal not worrying if the sauce drips on the floor.

 

Computer-generated Crow

This crow is not edible. It’s a game. On an electronic device. Don’t question it. Just give it to your offspring for more hours than you ever intended so you can get a little peace and quiet. Or maybe enjoy your microwaveable crow dinner … while it’s still hot.

 

We hope you find these crow dishes to your liking. We find ours quite delicious.