Setting: At a party talking to a mother with twin toddlers.
Husband: Oh man, having twins must suck.
Me: *pinching the back of his arm* I think what my husband means to say is that twins must keep you very busy ...
Mother: Yeah, it's definitely a full-time job, but we're pretty crazy about them.
Husband: No, I meant it must suck. What a rip off.
Me: *furiously processing in my mind how to stop him from being totally offensive without causing a scene*
Husband: Seriously, though - think about it. It's like twice the work, but half the fun.
Me: Oh, I don't know *awkward laugh* I think it would be lots of fun. You get all the hard years out of the way at once and they have a wonderful, special bond most siblings don't have.
Mother: Well, sure. There are tough days, but we tend ...
Husband: Come on ... let's be real. Double the diapers, double the clothes, double the tantrums, double the medical bills ... sounds like a nightmare *laughs at himself, totally oblivious*
Me: He's joking ...
Mother: *polite nod*
Husband: No I'm not, twins would be horrendous. Please don't tell me you want twins ...
Me: Okay, you know what? *between gritted teeth* She actually has twins - *looks at mother* and they are ADORABLE by the way! - so let's just drop it *takes two huge gulps of Pino Grigio*
Husband: Oh she knows I'm jut having fun.
Mother: *polite, slightly awkward smile*
Me: In all seriousness, though, I would love to have twins - just picking out their names would be so much fun and I'm sure they play together making things a little easier ...
Husband: Stop talking like that, you're going to jinx us!
Me: *death glare plus forced, fake laugh* Honey, isn't there a man you can talk to about the playoffs or something?
Husband: Nah, I like hanging out with you ladies.
Me: He really is just kidding ...
Mother: Oh, yes it's fine. No, no it's fine. Seriously, it's fine.
Mother: I'm going to see how my husband is fairing at the grill. If you'll excuse me ...
Me: *smiles gently until she's out of ear shot* Seriously!?!? Are you CRAYZAY!?
Husband: What? What'd I say?