The Top Five Most Brilliant (And Disgusting) Inventions for Babies

We can all agree, kids are freakin' adorable. We love their chubby toes, round bellies, and toothless grins. And yes, it's even been proven the smell of a newborn baby will melt the coldest uterus. But they can be disgusting creatures, too. They're constantly leaking from almost every orifice, keeping us up all night, and screaming as their miniature bodies learn to process food and turn it into gas and poop. Thank God they're cute, that's all I'm saying.  

When you first bring baby home, you're enraptured by this new heavenly being. Maybe she has your eyes, his nose, or that crazy freckle you've always hated but now adore because she has an identical one. You are in love and you can't imagine ever getting frustrated, angry, or impatient with your angel.  

Then the screaming begins.

Is it gas? Constipation? Hatred at you for not immediately remedying the situation and causing her to stay in pain??? JUST TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, BABY??? Take it from me, you can get to the not-so-great place where you would literally give your right arm (and the rest of your lady eggs) to anyone who can find out what the hell is going on with your child. And this is just one of the scenarios you'll run into as a parent where you wish upon your lucky stars that someone has invented an effective way to deal with your problem, no matter how disgusting it is.

Here are just a few of those contraptions that saved me during the early months!

Snot Sucker

This seems a lot more disgusting than it is. It's kind of like siphoning gas from a car, except it's inhaling snot from a baby's nose and there's a filter so none of the "fuel" will get into your mouth. That is unless you're like my mother in law who used it once, took it apart to wash it, and then forgot to replace the filter before using it on my green-nosed, mucus-filled toddler. Now SHE got a mouthful. And I threw up a bit. ::shudder::


The Windi

I know what you're thinking, "What kind of sick creature expects me to stick this horrible torture device up my kid's anus?" But, honestly, if you've ever spent an entire night holding a screaming, red-faced newborn that just can't relax enough to "let it go," this contraption is GENIUS.

Also, if you do end up spending the night with a screaming infant and then -- like magic and for no reason at all -- they are completely fine, you're left asking yourself, "Wait. Was that even gas? I didn't hear anything. What if it's a brain tumor or cancer?"  I, for one, feel gypped if I have to endure screaming for hours and don't get the satisfaction of hearing the fart. The Windi takes care of that. Once you (barely) penetrate the anus (I feel like I'm writing for Cosmo right now) you'll hear the **WHOOSH** of gas release through Windi and your child will stop crying. Immediately.


Musical Potty

In theory this isn't a gross idea at all. It's pure genius, as long as your kid doesn't get spooked by the triumphant melody mid-stream and run to their bedroom to go hide...all while still peeing. Not that that happened to me. Twice.

Spray Pal

The idea behind this is brilliant. If you are a cloth-diapering momma  you know spraying off those #2 diapers can be disgusting. And God forbid someone takes a blacklight into your bathroom to see the crap spatter all over your walls and toothbrushes (gag!). 

So, as awesome as this contraption is, there is one "ick" factor. What do you do with the device itself once you've cleaned off the poopy diaper? You try to spray it down but now you're left standing above the toilet holding a drippy Pal and wondering what to do next. I usually throw it into the shower like there's one second left on the timer before the entire building is blown to smithereens. And then I pray to the poop God that nothing we use in the bathroom was tainted during that magnificent toss. Except the shower. Ewww.


Picture this with me: You take your family to a nice restaurant and the baby has the inevitable diaper explosion in public. Upon entering the bathroom you realize to your dismay they don't have a changing table (HUGE peeve of mine!) so you lay him on your jacket on the floor, which completely creeps him out and causes him to scream. Now you're trying to comfort him with one hand while you simultaneously retrieve the diaper, wipes, and baby powder from your bag with the other hand.  You finally get everything ready, remove the diaper, and start to wipe...and then he wiggles free and you now have crap all over your hand (and probably clothes, if your luck is at all like mine).

Let me tell you, none of this would've happened if you were wearing your Shitten. With the Shitten, wherever you touch, you wipe. Fantastic, right? And you can even pull a "Pete's Dragon" and swipe down with one side of the wipe, and swipe up with the otherwise. (Remember when Mickey Rooney taught Pete to paint the lighthouse? Yeah, that was cool.)

So yeah, the name might be unconventional but the product works, people. Who am I kidding? The name is freakin' awesome. Don't be hatin' on my Shittens.

Or my Snotsucker.

Or my Windi.

Or my yellow-stained floor by the princess potty.