9 Reasons My Husband's Hemorrhoid Pisses Me Off

Whoever said women are dramatic has obviously never lived with a man. After 22 years of my husband diagnosing himself with extreme ailments, whether real or imagined, I'm kinda tapped out in the sympathy department. I mean, there's only so many times I can handle hearing him throw around talk of Maltese Spider bites, hardening arteries and/or brain tumors. Heaven forbid I relive the "Hepatitis scare of 2012." He's the medical equivalent of the boy who cried wolf, or in his case, 9-1-1.

But he's been pretty healthy since the broken ribs that happened 3 minutes into a co-ed flag football game a few months ago, so I guess we were due for a crisis. Which brings us to 4 weeks, 3 doctor's appointments, and 2 trips to the pharmacy ago, when a lone hemorrhoid brought our world to a screeching halt and why my eyes roll every time he brings it up...and trust me, he still brings it up.

9 reasons my husband's hemorrhoid pisses me off:

1. Because the doctor is 80% sure it was brought on by extended stays on the toilet playing Clash of Clans. Sorry babe, that one time you did curls 2 months ago is not the culprit.

2. Because he told me I don't understand what he's going through. Dude, I birthed 4 humans.

3. Because it gave him a reason to text me from the doctor's office using the words 'Surgically removed.' To his credit, he avoided the word STAT.

4. Because regardless of how many times he brought me a flashlight, nothing in me wanted to describe to him what it looked like in there.

5. Because I've never asked him to change my maxi pad, so I should not have to change his. Let's keep it fair. (My tampon suggestion was aggressively refused.)

6. Because 'Pain in the ass' doesn't justify handicapped parking.

7. Because I take umbrage with his accusation that I caused him to pop a stitch.

8. Because when I tried to show concern and asked how his new stitch was feeling, he informed me that another one came off on his finger earlier. Never ask why I never ask.

9. Because I've had 3 C-Sections and a VBAC and went on to live a productive life. Don't be the guy brought down by a hemorrhoid.


Oh, speaking of which, according to him it wasn't a hemorrhoid. It was a super serious blood clot, yo. Get it straight.