Google Eyes, Terrified and the Weird Girl

My friend Brady and I were rocking Vegas and decided to ride the coasters on top of the Stratosphere.  It was late and we were the only ones around.

Except for the girl running the thing who looked like a 12 year old operating a torture chamber for baby bunnies. Unqualified and deeply depressed.

As I got in my seat, I started to panic.  My chair wasn't locking.

"Hello?"  I said.  "My chair isn't locking!"

No one cared.

"Don't worry about it, you'll be fine." Brady said.

I started thrashing the bar up and down, working myself into a frenzy.

Brady was serenely staring off in to the distance.  "Doesn't this view look incredible?"

With terror in my eyes, I look at Brady and continued to thrash around.

Suddenly, I notice a mousy girl walking slowly up the ramp.

Odd. We're in Vegas. She's alone waltzing on up to the Stratosphere like she's at a local carnival.

No matter. My seat won't lock and I'm going to be dying soon.

"You can sit wherever you want," said the preteen in charge of a gigantic device that can kill people.

Slowly and meticulously the weird girl walked around eyeing down each seat.  Brady and I were the only ones there so she had about 30 empty seats to choose from.

The obvious choice, clearly, was to sit right next to me.

"Seriously you guys, someone lock my seat," I said quieter this time, my lip quivering.

Then all the sudden it locked and I was totally fine.

Well, except for the fact it was so tight it forced my boobs into a desperately small hole. But whatever, I'm going to survive, so it's cool.

Brady started rambling on about who knows what as if we aren't about to be launched in to the air at a million miles per hour.

"Hey - B. Let's chit chat about sales at the Sunglass Hut when we're not about be launched ..."

I wish I could play audio of the guttural, Braveheart scream that emerged deep from my loins at this moment.

Within seconds we were shot 1000 feet above the strip at a speed that makes your eyelids flap.

At some point, Brady's eyes googled as he continued to look serenely off into the distance. I looked up and screamed as if I was the main star of Saw IV.

And the weird girl? Well, obviously she forgot to put her head back. 

Someone Stole My Fart Story. Also, It's Hard to Take Me Seriously.

Well, it's official.

The Fart That (Almost) Altered My Destiny

Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that’s “Silent But Deadly” for you prudes).

Things I Wish Were an April Fools' Joke

Sure, I could have tried to prank you and said, "The HooHas girls can't think up any more funny crap, so we're quitting" or "Anna is getting a full bodied tattoo of a unicorn pooping marshmallows so you're on your own until she heals," but April Fools' jokes are so been there. Done that.

So, instead, I fell down an Internet rabbit hole to find things we all wish were an April Fools' joke, but sadly, it's no joke. No, these people are real. Oh yes, they're dead serious. And what they're peddling? Amazing. And scary. But mostly hilarious.

Let's Get Dinner Before You Go Downtown On My Julie Brown

We planned this trip to the Dominican, and my friend suggested I get a bikini wax.  I told her that it sounded absolutely horrible, but went ahead with it anyway.

So I buy this Groupon for a freakishly cheap $15 bikini wax and thought I'd give it a whirl.  I go in and make my appointment, and they tell me, "Check out all of our packages, so you can come back all the time!"  I replied, "I don't think this is something that I'm going to enjoy so let's just stick to this one."

I nervously waited to get called back and this lady comes and takes me to a room.  The first thing she says is, "Okay, take your pants off."  Startled, I said, "I'm sorry, what was your name?  Didn't you want to have dinner first?  No?  Okay."  I take my pants off and she says, "Hop up on the table."  So I oblige.  Then she tells me, "Put your feet together like this and spread 'em."  I look at her funny and then start to sweat and hyperventilate a little.

She instructs me to lean back and I think to myself of how uncomfortable this is.  With my feet together and my knees out, I sweat even more.  When I get uncomfortable, I make really terrible jokes and make awkward conversation.

She asks me, "So, hows your job?"  I tell her, "This is really uncomfortable!" and she replies, "Oh, it'll be okay."  If she only knew...

The lady starts prepping the black tar wax.  This is more awkward than the gyno, mind you as I still have my pants off and legs ready to go.

So I'm sweating, telling her, "It's hot in here.  Can we turn the air on?!"  She assures me that I'll be okay.

I'm anticipating the wax and making this awkward laughing sound.  She's all downtown with the black tar and then rips my flesh off.

I yell, "Oh my God!  Oh my God!" and start inhaling and exhaling loudly like I'm doing Lamaze.

Turns Out, the Whore Wasn't Included

Turns Out the Whore Wasn't Included via @hahasforhoohas

Enunciation is important. Very important. Let me bring you back to that fateful day my friends, the day my lack of enunciation changed a cab ride. Forever. And ever and ever.