The other day we read a post on Babble.com titled Top 10 Things Mothers Do Better Than Fathers.
It has created an explosion of anger as commentators accused the author of sexism, gender stereotyping, and the ultimate sin - accusing all men of forgetting to bring diaper bags on errands.
Not all men are that stupid, just you, fine sir.
Well, us gals over at HooHas can't let this stand. His list was totally wrong - probably morally. Even ethically. It's probably even against the law. In North Carolina.
Ok, but wait. Ohhhh, eeeeeesh, I don't know *hand wringing*. Maybe I'm being too rash. If I'm going to be totally honest here, I mean REALLY honest ... What do I think of when I ask myself, "are there things mothers do better than fathers?" Well, I'll tell you what I think of.
An immediate list of things mothers do better than fathers, that's what.
A HooHas Top 5 list, to be more specific. And you know what? I'm not afraid to say it.
Here it is! Our Top 5 list of what mothers REALLY do better than fathers. So suck it, political correctness! Let the truth prevail!
I mean honestly, I can't believe how much husbands suck at this.
Ok - wait - let me preface: not ALL husbands, just MY husband. His nipples are like fake store fronts on a Universal Studios lot. Looks like a pharmacy, has a sign like a pharmacy, but walk through the door - BAM! Nothing but plywood. I've been bamboozled!
Until men can start helping with the breast-feeding tasks around the house then don't insult us with fake nipples.
2) NOT Having Whiskers
Cuddling is essential to good parenting. In order to cuddle well you can NOT have whiskers or a prickly beard.
As a child, did you ever experience your father's rough, whiskered face on your delicate child skin? It was pure unadulterated hell, wasn't it?
Fathers suck at having a smooth face - except for maybe Orlando Bloom. Oh, "but I shave every morning!" you fathers might say.
Pffft. You call a few hours of a "smooth face" good parenting? Mothers NEVER have rough whiskers, except for the occasional stray black hair we have to pluck, but that's hardly a comparison.
Deal with it fathers, mothers are much better at not having whiskers than you.
3) Having a Uterus
Ever tried to make a baby without a uterus? Didn't think so. Good luck with that, fellas.
"Oh, but wait," you might say, "you can't make a baby without sperm." Nice try. Sperm can be made in test tubes in Kyrgyzstan and frozen at sperm banks. We googled it.
4) NOT Having Testicles
Kids can kick mothers in the crotch all day long, and you don't see us crying, ruining a "family fun day at the park." A child lands one good kick or throws one stray ball at dad's jewels and GAME OVER. Pack it up kids - dad's crying, throwing up in the bushes.
Accidentally hit mommy in the crotch with a wiffle ball? No biggie - it may sting her a little - but she's not laying on the ground screaming that the pain is "burning in her soul."
I mean, how is it possible to be a good parent if there is a large zone on your body (the height of the average small child, no less), that is completely off limits to an accidental jab? How can a child truly express themselves during play time if grazing "the zone" with an elbow leaves their father hyperventilating in a sack?
You don't hear mothers constantly yelling, "Whoa, whoa, whoa - watch your feet! Throw the baseball higher! Stop punching me as hard as you can in the crotch!" The limitations fathers put on their children for the sake of protecting their testicles are endless.
Let's call a spade a testicle here folks, and admit that mothers are MUCH better at not having testicles than fathers.
5) NOT Getting Frisky at Inappropriate Times
How often do you see fathers, un-showered, sweaty, covered in spit-up, folding laundry whilst trying to ward off the frisky advances of their wife during the baby's nap time?
NEVER, because mothers don't have sex "no matter what the cost." Tempted to accuse us of making sweeping generalizations and gender stereotyping? Well, think again, because we have proof. An unscientific survey we conducted on our HooHas Facebook page supports our claims.
When asked, "would you ever proposition your husband for sex while he was un-showered, sweaty, covered in spit-up, folding laundry during your child's nap time?" 90% of our 5 willing female participants responded, "Sick, of course not." Just 10% responded, "Yes, but only if my husband was Justin Timberlake."
Since none of them were married to Justin Timberlake ... well ... need we say more?
Alternatively, when asking our male fans, “would you ever proposition your wife for sex, un-showered, sweaty, covered in spit up, folding laundry during your child’s nap time?” 50% of our 2 willing participants responded, “This is a stupid question, of course I would.” While the other 50% responded, “Depends, am I watching football? Nevermind, I totally would.”
So there you have it. Mothers are better than fathers.
This post was originally published May 10th, 2012