Ryan Lochte, Olympic gold medalist most known for being super hot, but talks like a third grader who accidentally ate a pot brownie, claimed that he, along with 2 other US Olympiads, was held at gunpoint and robbed, following a fun night out in Rio last Saturday.
It didn’t take long before his story began to unravel as surveillance videos surfaced showing Lochte creating a drunken ruckus at a gas station and damaging property. Guns were pulled, but by security guards who were attempting to control the situation.
As the truth was revealed, the world expressed pure shock— not that he told such a brazen lie, but shock Ryan Lochte was smart enough to tell a credible lie in the first place. Albeit a lie that was clearly revealed on camera within a short amount of time, but still— people are impressed.
“When the videos came out, I was stunned,” said Tammy Lang, 28, and avid fan of swimming. “Stunned his ass was smart enough to pull off a credible lie for 3 whole days.”
Fan David Barr expressed a similar sentiment. “Honestly, everything about the story would normally disgust me. I mean, what a disgrace and embarrassment to the US,” said Barr. “But, I have to be honest— I watched his reality show a few years ago and I thought he fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. I didn’t think the guy had it in him. I’m impressed.”
A Rio judge ordered Lochte’s passport be withheld so he could be brought in for questioning, however Lochte had already made it home.
Details on the results of the case are still forthcoming.
This post is satire based on a real event.