Woman Praises Jesus Kids are Finally at Age Where She Can Decorate Tree with “All My Favorite Sh*t”

Pictured above: Clara Thompson, ecstatic her kids are old enough to stop screwing with her Christmas tree.

PROVIDENCE, RI

Clara Thompson, 37, has announced she is spending the day “Praising Jesus” with thanks because this year her children are finally old enough to stop harassing the Christmas tree. She plans to spend the rest of the day decorating her tree with “all her favorite shit,” while sipping egg nog and listing to “Mariah Carey’s Christmas” album.

Decorating the Christmas tree is a long held tradition for many US families. However, many with small children have to alter or adjust their decorating to protect curious little ones.

“When my first born Tommy started crawling, I thought I would just say “no” whenever he would crawl over to the tree and that would be that. God, I was such an idiot,” said Thompson. “He was like a moth to a flame!”

Thompson said it took Tommy no less than 30 seconds to grab an ornament, rip it off the tree, then proceed to destroy it by any means possible. “He had an incredible will to never give up and never surrender until the ornaments were crushed by his baby hands. Little did he know he was crushing my Christmas spirit.”

Ever since Tommy started crawling, Thompson had a half decorated tree. "The bottom is so bare and sad and stupid,” she said.

Thompson said she tried other techniques, like using only non-glass ornaments towards the bottom. “Useless. I’d go pour myself a cup of coffee only to return to non-glass ornaments thrown all over the family room.”

She was also encouraged to put a gate up, or block the tree with a couch. “Nothing ruins my ambiance boner like a baby gate wrapped around my tree. NEXT.”

Despite all of her attempts to have a beautiful tree, Thompson said she just accepted her fate that she would have an ugly-half-decorated-semi-festive-but-not-really tree until her youngest was old enough to stop obsessing over it.

“I would tell my youngest, Katie, to leave the tree alone and she would actually back up into the tree and quietly pet the ornaments behind her back while making steady, awkward eye contact with me. Just stop fondling the damn ornaments!” said Thompson. Now that Katie is three, she has started to ignore the tree.

Despite her hardship, Thompson is finally able to decorate her tree however she sees fit. “Today I’m filled with gratitude I made it through and now I can put up all my favorite ornaments without worrying about my kids getting hurt or my ornaments being broken. Today is a good, good day.”

Since our interview, Thompson reported her 6 year old son tried to throw a soccer ball at a friend in the family room, knocking the tree over and destroying most of her ornaments. She’s now receiving counseling.

 

This post is satire. Photo credit Fran Hosen.