A woman was escorted out of her local Wal-Mart after demanding the greeter give her Xanax, citing she had three children with her and had read online that it qualified her to receive the anti-anxiety medication.
Sham News 7 caught up with Bronwyn Owens, 28, in the parking lot of the supercenter, immediately after she was ushered from the store.
“I took my car to Jiffy Lube this morning, and the mechanic said my engine needed to be flushed before my car spontaneously combusted. So, as I was waiting to have my engine flushed, I read online, in black and white, that Wal-Mart greeters were giving away free Xanax to people with two or more children. Why didn’t they give me my Xanax? If it’s on the internet, it has to be true, right?”
Sham News 7 contacted Bronwyn's boyfriend, Jimmy Gotfried, via telephone, and he voiced his concerns with his girlfriend's gullibility.
"Bronwyn has sent several different Nigerian Prime Ministers her social security number, participated in fourteen pyramid scams in less than two years, and she often reads National Enquirer on her new iPhone, which she swears will never lose battery life even after long-time use," Gotfried stated. "She believes alligators live in the sewer, but she won't believe me when I tell her the internet is full of lies!"
But despite her boyfriend's worries and warnings, Owens continues to trust everything she sees online.
“I also read that aliens prefer to impregnate blondes in August, so I stay in the house for the whole month," said Owens. "The only reason I dyed my hair blonde is because I was told they have more fun. Now I’m just stuck inside for a month. It’s really no fun at all."
Like Owens, millions of people across the country suffer from naivety. Thankfully, there may be hope.
Dr. Alabaster Q. Freudenheimen of the Institute for Idiots is working on a revolutionary new drug that he hopes will change all of this.
“I knew I had to do something when I was on a flight with a young woman who was traveling to Saskatchewan for a glimpse of Civil War bullets that were supposedly found in a Big Mac at a McDonald’s there. She said she read a report about it online, and I immediately felt obligated to help stop this kind of asinine behavior,” said Freudenheimen.
Freudenheimen claims the groundbreaking drug, Commonsensetol, has been shown to steer lab rats away from cheese dangling from the mouths of famished cats. It is also a mild analgesic, but Freudenheimen says he isn’t sure exactly how to market this benefit without fear of morons using it anally.
“Too many of our taxpayer's hard-earned dollars go towards Sasquatch, Loch Ness Monster and Chupacabra research, but hopefully Commonsesetol will put an end to this,” Freudenheimen stated.
Sham News 7 wanted to get a more in-depth interview with Owens, but she was late for an “It Works” party.
“I’m sorry, but if I want to be in my high-school jeans by dinnertime, I need to go,” she said as she loaded her children into her van. She proceeded to crank up Milli Vanilli while exiting the Wal-Mart parking lot, not before calling out, “Man, those guys can sing!”
If you are interested in serving as a guinea pig for Commonsensetol before it is stocked in pharmacies across the country, please send your name, address and $245.00 to Dr. Alabaster Q. Freudenheimen at the Institute for Idiots.
Sorry, No COD’s.