Why Trying to Sell Your House is Worse than the 9th Circle of Hell

If you’re trying to sell your house now or have ever sold your house in the past, you’ll know what I’m talking about. It’s not the actual selling of the house that’s the problem. I mean, that’s bad, don’t get me wrong. But the worst part of selling a house is having to put up with all the questions and comments from people while you wait to sell the damn house. Because suddenly it’s open season for everyone to freely offer up their unsolicited advice and suggestions.
Now listen up. If you know someone trying to sell their house, and you have “helpful” insights, I’m talking to you. Here’s a list of comments they’re fed up with hearing, along with the responses they’d give if they weren’t so distracted by imagining themselves shoving their fist into your mouth. So if you're tempted to say any of these things, don't.
“Who’s your realtor?”
(I know where you’re going with this.)
“It could be your lack of curb appeal.”
(So my house looks like crap from the road. Good to know.)
“Maybe it’s overpriced.”
(I’m mentally flipping you off right now.)
“It could be those off-center ceiling tiles…or did you mean to do that?”
(Let me guess, you know a good ceiling tile guy.)
“I bet it’s the realtor.”
(Please shut up.)
“Oh, you went with carpet instead of ceramic tile…hmmm.”
(Another decision for me to second guess. Awesome.)
“Have you offered to pay for the inspections and closing costs?”
(Maybe I should offer to mow their grass for the rest of my life while I’m at it?)
“You should probably change realtors.”
(For the love…)
“What kind of feedback are you getting?”
(Well, seeing as it hasn’t sold, the feedback is pretty much, NO.)
“Is your home staged or empty?”
(Let me guess, whichever we’re doing is wrong.)
“Oh gosh, you’re still living there?”
(Well, we thought since it’s still ours and everything.)
“Have you petitioned the city to fix that bump in the road in front of your driveway?”
(Let me just add that to my to-do list after killing the hornets nest beside our front door and tapping into the city sewage system because, apparently, septic tanks are sooooo 2014.)
“Sure you don’t just wanna stay?”
(Sure you don’t just wanna stop talking now?)
“I know the best realtor.”
(There it is.)
“It only takes one buyer.”
(And here we’ve been trying to sell it to two. Dammit.)
“Let me give you some advice.”
“How many bathrooms do you have?”
(Let me first tell you I’m not willing to add on a bathroom.)
“Wow, it’s been a whole year! What’s wrong with it?”
(From what I gather, everything.)
“I know you just repainted the whole house, but have you thought about changing the color in the kitchen?”
(Not as much as I’ve thought about bitch slapping you during this conversation.)
“When we tried to sell our house, it took 2 full months!”
(We’re going on 2 years, so do you wanna shut it or would you like me to shut it for ya?)​
“Do you clean before the showings?”
(Naaah, I thought it’d be more effective to sell ‘as is.’)
“Just give it to God.”
(Well, unfortunately, He’s not paying the mortgage or I would.)
So, what ARE you allowed to say? Just this: “Let me know when you need help moving!”
Oh, now look who suddenly doesn’t wanna talk about it.