Why I'd Rather Be Kicked in the Crotch than Go Shopping on Black Friday

Let’s play a little word association.
Family, yes!
Friends, yes!
Thankfulness, yes!
Food, yes and YES!
Shopping. Nope.
Before you think this has anything to do with a stance on the whole debate of Black Friday shopping on Thanksgiving Day, it doesn’t. This is my stance on the whole Black Friday shopping in general. After participating just one time, this is set in stone. I don’t do it.
And here’s why.
An overabundance of traffic that naturally leads to a shortage of parking, which automatically escalates to the battle of the spot. Did he see you had your signal on first? Is the person backing out of the coveted spot gonna screw you by blocking your path? Is the non-signaling offender gonna sneak in before you, and are you gonna end up tempted to key the side of a stranger’s car just hours after eating a meal dedicated to gratefulness? To all of the above, YEP.
Then you get to leave the warm comfort of your car to wait in a long line of people wrapped around the outside of a store, some who brought chairs and pitched tents, because crap’s on sale, yo. Didn’t you hear?
But the fun’s just beginning, because…wait for it…they opened the doors! And like the running of the bulls, the stampede begins.
Off to the electronics department for a limited supply of 70 inch flat screen HDTVs for a mere thousand bucks instead of the everyday price of twelve hundred. Score. The catch? Gotta be one of the first 50 people…and 75 are currently running back toward you because the electronics guy just announced that the TV's are being handed out in Lawn and Garden, because of course.
Two hours later, there are 3 TV's and only one guy in front of you…then the asshole buys all 3 TV's.
Fear not, you’ve passed plenty of bins of sale items and your cart is full of discounted slippers, candles, and toys, and it’s time to check out. Just make your way behind those 400 people snaking along the perimeter of the store and get comfortable, because Walmart still sees no reason to utilize all 30 of their checkout lanes. Warning: You will have to pee, there will be people line jumping, space saving, and I assure you, you’ll be surrounded by the people who brought the crankiest, most annoying kids out in the middle of the night, because what crap on sale isn’t worth that, right?
Another 3 hours later and there’s an end in site to this psychotic nightmare. You’re checked out and heading out the doors to walk the mile to the neighboring shopping center where you ended up having to park and that’s when you see him…the guy from the TV line, selling his TV's on the parking lot black market, and for the 9th time on this festive little shopping excursion, your husband is holding you back from engaging in physical violence, while you vow never to return.
In other words, I’d rather be Rhonda Rousey to Holly Holms than face off with the general public in the rink of Black Friday ever again. Just so we're clear.