1) When it comes down to it, I just don't like being trampled by women with big bosoms who won't hesitate to cut me if I'm standing between them and 30% off the last Xbox 360.
I'll admit it. Sometimes I wish I had the desire to be Black Friday crazy. The excitement of setting my alarm at a sickly early time of the morning, putting on my well planned shopping outfit (warm enough to tolerate standing outside a department store, yet light enough to keep me agile), and making that special trip to Starbucks that opened early just for me - seems, I don't know - magical.
So what's my problem? Large women with big bosoms who will cut me if necessary can't be the only thing keeping me from savings.
2) I'm afraid I may purposely or inadvertently kill someone.
I just don't trust myself. If there's anyone who's vulnerable to the mob mentality, it's me. I can get whipped up in a cause I don't care about real quick. When I was in high school a food fight suddenly erupted in the cafeteria and even though my instinct told me to run (and I did), I couldn't help but chuck my milkshake at the Principal on my way out screaming.
What if everyone starts fighting over Justin Bieber's Christmas album "Under the Mistletoe" and I find myself powerless to resist the frenzy? What am I capable of doing to a woman clutching the last CD with an iron grip of steel?
The answer? Anything.
And after I jack that Bieber CD I don't even want, I may even grab a super-sized bag of Charmin toilet paper on my way out because I'm not thinking, I'm just reacting people!
See? I should definitely stay home.
3) I don't wake up from food comas. Also, I stuff my face like you're supposed to, ok?
I'm amazed by people's ability to rise at 3 am like Vampires from their caskets. My Thanksgiving food coma requires I sleep until at least 9 am where I'll rise to the comforting sensation of self-loathing. Like the best hang over of my life, the best way to come down from that carbo high is to not come down at all. Hair of the dog, I say - pumpkin pie for breakfast is the only solution. The thought doesn't even cross my mind to change out of my oversized pajamas. Yet, by the time I realize I haven't even thought of it - the Black Friday goers are not only dressed, but loading up their second car full of good deals. I'm impressed.
The last thing I want to do the day after Thanksgiving is put on something that actually buttons, and my moo moo can't usually withstand the brisk November weather. Yet, people still manage to button their jeans and put on clothes that fit.
I mean, what gives? Are they not stuffing their faces on Thanksgiving like what was mandated by our forefathers? I don't even know you people anymore!
Well, I guess that settles it then. I'm sleeping in this Friday. While you're at Target manically throwing products off the shelves and at each other, I'll be sprawled out on my couch debating on whether I should eat a turkey sandwich filled with cranberry dressing (and maybe stuffing. Probably mashed potatoes too. Whatever, worry about your own sandwich).
While you're buying gifts for your loved ones at record low prices, I'll be at the mall at 8 pm on Christmas Eve settling on last minute gifts in a slight state of panic.
Considering what's at risk, I really don't think I have a choice.
This post was originally published November 23, 2012.