Kids are weird. I mean, yeah, they're beautiful, smart, brutally honest, amazing little creatures...but they are weird.
If you have experienced the weirdness of these small beings, then let me just say -- I understand.
I understand the feeling that makes you cover your child's mouth when you see the man with blue hair walk by. Or someone handicapped. Or a smoker. They'll pretty much point out anyone or anything unashamedly -- and only Jesus knows what will come out of their tiny trap.
I understand the fear of walking by an aisle that carries anything resembling a toy.
::strolling along with kids in the store::
"Look over there, kids! Turtlenecks are back!"
I understand the rage when you go through the "family friendly" aisle at the grocery store only to discover that all that means is they blacked out the cover of Cosmo but carry an extra supply of candy bars, which you will ultimately have to pry out of your child's hand before you get arrested for shoplifting 30 Whatchamacallits.
I understand. Kids are just weird.
1. They don't comprehend space boundaries.
Hahas Founder, Anna, gave me her own scoop on this topic: "One time my niece cried to be let in while I pooped - my husband let her in because it "broke his heart" and she stood in front of me and lovingly rubbed my bare thighs."
I hear ya, Anna. If I had a penny for every time a child wants me to hold them while I'm dropping deuce, I would have many, many dollars.
2. They make eye contact while pooping
When your child reaches an age somewhere between toddler and kid, they will start focusing really hard when they poop. Some kids hide in a corner and some kids pop a squat in the middle of the living room. Either way, I can guarantee you that, one day, their eyes will meet yours as their nose turns red and their face scrunches up...and they won't look away. They'll grunt, but never break eye contact. It's just completely awkward.
You may wonder, Should I look away? Stare into their eyes? Run away?
Whether or not you look at them, they will be looking at you. Weirdos.
3. They don't have a care in this world...until you sit down.
You look around the house and each kid is fully engrossed in their current activity. One child is watching tv, the other child is building a princess castle out of Legos, and the youngest child is sitting in the corner, playing with random toys. You seize this opportunity like a date with Mr. Pitt because, honestly, it may only happen once in your lifetime.
But then your butt hits the chair and suddenly one kid can't reach the remote, the other stepped on a Lego and needs and band aid -- and that kid that was squatting in the corner? Yeah, she needs her diaper changed.
4. They request the same song in the car until your ears bleed.
And if you tell me to just "let it go" I'll punch you in the throat.
5. They're quiet and well-behaved, until someone falls asleep.
My children weigh a collective weight of 60 pounds, but I swear the minute the baby lays down for a nap they turn into stampeding elephants. And the sound of their feet on our hardwood floors would wake the dead -- and, inevitably, the baby.
6. They always want YOUR food
I watch my children devour their eggs, bacon and hash browns while I'm busy blending a kale smoothie and boiling an egg for my own breakfast. They leave the table with their tummies all swollen like little chipmunks, and when they see my lips touch the straw they realize how hungry they still are and demand some of my "yummy" breakfast. Really, kid? I would rob a bank right now if it meant I could have carbs!*
* I wouldn't really rob a bank.
7. If you laugh at something they do, be prepared to experience it over and over until you want to vomit.
Kids: "Knock Knock!"
Me: "Who's there?"
Me: "Banana who?"
Kids: "Banana wears a shirt! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
Me: "Haha. Funny."
Kids: "Hey mom?"
Kids: "Knock knock!"
Me: "Ummm, who's there?"
8. If YOU do something funny, you'll be forced to repeat it until the end of time.
Just try it. Walk up to your kid and offer to do "airplane" (swing them around by their arms) -- and I'll check on you in a few months and see if your arms haven't fallen off yet.
9. At one point in their lives, they will (almost) break your nose. Every single kid.
This is a painful truth. I was grocery shopping with my husband and three kids, and I took the oldest around in the cart while he went off with the youngest ones. My daughter was sleepy so I had her lay her head down on the handlebar while I rubbed her back and stroked her hair. It really was a beautiful moment. Then, as I bent down to kiss her head, she popped up like a possessed jack-in-the-box and nearly broke my nose. I did a quick check to make sure I wasn't dying then continued shopping. A few minutes later I saw my husband and kids and waved them over. As they got closer I noticed they stopped smiling...and then their faces turned to looks of horror. My husband said, "Oh my god! What happened to you?" Apparently my face and shirt were covered in blood and I had been shopping like this for five minutes...and nobody said a word.
10. No matter how expensive the toy is -- they'd rather play with the box.
It was Christmas last year and I was trying to shove all the torn wrapping paper into a giant garbage bag, only to have the kids dump it out on the floor and jump in it like a pile of leaves -- all the while ignoring their new scooters, bikes, and handheld computers.
So, yeah. Kids are amazingly weird human beings who speak their mind and have no boundaries. But they're also pretty awesome. Well, mine are. I don't know about yours.
Thanks to Susannah Lewis and Anna Lind Thomas for their contributions to this post!