Wal-Mart Greeters to Give Smiles, Xanax to Patrons with Two or More Children


Management at Wal-Mart Store #4207 on Dirt Road passed an initiative on Monday that will allow greeters to give Xanax to patrons who enter the store with two or more children in tow. A petition to distribute the anti-anxiety medication circulated after an altercation occurred at the business on February 18, 2015, in which a mother of three had to be physically removed from the Lego aisle.

Susan Jo Jenkins, 34, was taken to Planters House Behavioral Health Center for a mental evaluation after the incident. She was later released, against her will, by chief psychologist, Albie J. Ludwig, PhD.

“After an extensive examination and lengthy conversation, I’m certain Mrs. Jenkins is not mentally unstable,” Ludwig stated. “She just endured a moment of extreme stress because her children incessantly argued and pleaded for toys in Wal-Mart. Her youngest child threw a shoe and refused to stay seated in the cart, as well. Twenty minutes into the shopping trip, Mrs. Jenkins lost her shit. She fell to the floor in a temporary state of psychosis. It’s pretty common among parents, especially mothers, who have multiple children under the age of 20 tagging along with them on errands.”

According to Arlene Waters, Wal-Mart Associate of 12 years, she’s seen it before.

“Watching Mrs. Jenkins kicking and screaming and being dragged out of the store by Randy from automotive and Mable from crafts wasn’t the first time I’ve seen such fear and desperation in a parent’s eyes. I once saw a woman lean over a hamburger bun display and sob because her toddlers both had a tantrum over Gummy Worms. It was just terrible.” 

Xanax (Alprazolam) is a benzodiazepine medication used to treat anxiety and panic disorders. Dr. Ludwig, who eagerly agreed to sign the petition to have the drug distributed to Wal-Mart customers, believes the medication will definitely help to stave off any future psychotic parental episodes. 

“It’s the responsibility of Wal-Mart Associates to make sure their place of employment is a safe and comfortable environment for the consumer. It’s their responsibility to prevent any occurrences which would alarm customers. Greeting parents of multiples with a smile just isn’t enough. That smile won’t help prevent high blood pressure or nervous breakdowns when the children are being unruly. The Alprazolam will.”

Greeters have been given a specific set of guidelines to follow when distributing the medication. Since most psychological outbursts have occurred among parents who have more than two children, each Xanax recipient must have a two child minimum. Also, patrons who enter the store wearing pajamas should be offered a double dose and referred to the Planters House Behavioral Health Center for an extensive evaluation by Dr. Ludwig and his staff.  

All Xanax will be purchased from the Wal-Mart pharmacy, courtesy of Randy in automotive, who has already paid for 1500 2mg tablets that will be handed out this week. 

“I had to dig into my savings to afford it, but shoot, I don’t care. I just don’t want to carry any more crazy folks out of here,” Randy said.



This breaking news story is satire. Please don't go to Wal-Mart demanding Xanax.

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