Unsolicited Advice is an unsanctioned, ill advised advice column. Since Anna has no business giving anyone advice, she decided to use her own website to get a few things off her chest. Here, Anna responds to the most outrageous questions asked to Dear Prudence and humbly offers her own unsolicited advice. Warning - some salty language. Enjoy.
Q. Seriously putting my foot in my mouth: Three months ago, “Sandra” started working at the same company as me. I’m not going to come off well in this story, and it’s too late to hope for Sandra to like me. Basically, I have asked her three times if she is pregnant/when the baby is due. I’m forgetful by nature and often ask family, friends, and co-workers the same question—although never a question this offensive. Sandra is overweight and sometimes wears dresses that I mistakenly think are trying to emphasize the bump. Sandra has been gracious but increasingly less happy answering me, and I feel like an ass each time. I apologize profusely but by now she thinks I’m making fun of her. How do I convince her otherwise/prevent this from becoming a HR nightmare for me?
Excuse me Prudence, I would like to interject if I may -
A. Dear Foot in Mouth,
You’re an idiot. No really. Your stupidity is a threat to you and those around you and you are a menace to society, or at least to women who tend to carry their weight in their mid-section. If your memory is really that bad, then you need to visit a medical professional immediately. If they discover you’re fine, then it’s time to realize you’re not “forgetful by nature” just an “asshole by nature” who doesn’t listen when people talk to him. Oddly enough, I bet you remember what time the game is on or what night is “sex night” with the ‘ol lady, AMIRITE?
First, surely by now someone has told you that you never ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless she’s actually crowning, right? Like, she needs to be begging for you to call 911, screaming, “THE BABY’S COMING!” while you run off to try and boil some sheets (I hear that’s what you do in a birthing crisis, but don’t quote me on that). Then, and only then, are you allowed to ask if she’s pregnant. So, not only do you commit one of the greatest (and oldest) faux pas of all time, BUT THEN YOU DO IT THREE TIMES?! Oh Lord have mercy, someone fan me, you crazy S.O.B. Are you married? If you are, oh, that poor woman! It’s one thing to have a man who says stupid shit sometimes, but it’s another to have a man who says the same stupid shit over and over and over. You are no doubt humiliating her at every party. Somewhere she is keeping a journal where you are the main topic of each entry, and not in a good way.
Okay, sorry. I had to get that off my chest. So, you want some advice on how to not get in trouble with HR because you’re coming off like a mean lunatic? Here’s my advice: Pack your bags and move. There’s no saving you. You look so bad in this situation your only option is to move to some other state, or country, and change your name. Think witness protection program for dum dums. Let your wife choose whether she wants to go with you - she probably doesn’t. God bless, and God speed.
This question appeared on Slate's Dear Prudence Column. Anna has taken it upon herself to answer the question here because not providing her own unsolicited advice was doing her more harm than good. No one (she knows of) was hurt in the making of this satirical column.