The Unintended Consequences of Summer

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Sure, summer is great. School’s out, the weather is nice and warm. Beach vacations and family trips are what dreams are made of. But if there is a bright side to bright sunny days, surely there is a dark side. And the dark side looks like my prickly leg hair growth.

Here are some unintended consequences of summer:

 

Constant leg shaving

I’ll admit it, pregnancy through winter, then having a newborn spoiled me. It was relatively acceptable for my legs to be unkempt. People understood, they empathized. But now that summer has come back around, I no longer have any good excuses, like “Do I breastfeed my hungry baby or shave? Shall she starve?!”

The other day I had to run an errand and it was hot outside so I put on some shorts. It looked like I owned two Chia pets shaped like my own legs. “Not now, hairy legs! I haven’t the time to shave!” I shouted in my closet. 

Why haven’t we evolved out of needing hairy legs yet? Is it because of winter? Is it the Alaskans? I don’t need it anymore, okay?!

 

Sweating outside / freezing inside

During the summer across corporate America, people are in cubicles wearing parkas. Slender older women are wearing knitted gloves holding hot cups of tea with both hands and shivering. Once they step outside, BOOM - pit stains.

My home is no exception. I’m in an AC war with my husband. I like a cool home like the next person, but at night we all look like Night’s Watch extras on the set of Game of Thrones. I tried to turn it up a couple notches, but then my husband started shouting, “Why am I getting sticky? Did you turn up the AC?” from the living room. So then I drop it back down and say, “What? No!” then start looking for the Snuggie someone bought me as a gag gift three years ago.

 

Mosquito bites

Nothing’s better than a warm summer night outside with friends, drinking a glass of wine or a cold beer, laughing, talking - watching the fireflies twinkle by while slapping blood sucking mosquitos ravaging your entire body.

Why do we pretend citronella candles work? I think the front of my body is doing alright considering, but below the table, mosquitos are seizing upon my feet like flies on road kill. For the following four days I was begging my husband to scratch my feet in a panicked frenzy that scared him a little. There are few things worse than a batch of mosquito bites that won't calm the hell down.

 

TV is terrible 

I know summer is meant to be vacationing or outside chasing fireflies or something family and freedom oriented, but at some point I’m going to want to wind down and watch a little TV and I’m not in the mood for a Diners Drive Ins and Dives marathon that never ends. How many reruns of House Hunters can a woman sit through? Yes, I know you want stainless steel in the kitchen - change the appliances when you move in or up your budget, people! Living on a beach isn't free!

It’s as if the TV gods are forcing you to binge on House of Cards for the third time.

 

Kids eventually get bored

Sure, the first few weeks are all bike rides, ice cream cones, slumber parties and tickle fights. But before you can say Otter Pops, you’ll suddenly feel the presence of children hovering around you staring into your soul with their bored, dreary eyes. When you turn around you’ll get the whiney, “I’m boooored,” comment which implies it’s your job to do something about it. You’ll make suggestions and they’ll have an answer for everything.

“Why don’t you go play with Jessica?”

“She’s at camp.”

 

“Why don’t you go ride your bike?”

“I’ve been riding my bike all morning!”

 

“Why don’t you go read a book?”

“What? NO! Can I have your iPad?”

 

You say no, but why don't you go make a fort in the family room? Then they run off crying. 

Summer man. So good. Sometimes.