I just recently experienced pregnancy and motherhood for the first time, so I think it's obvious Google and I became best friends. And also enemies, because the Internet is a big scary freak show. Whenever I had a question about my pregnancy and experiences as a new mom, fears or worries, usually at 1 AM, I would light up my dark bedroom as my beady eyes glared at my screen, searching for answers to my 1,000,000 questions. It's inevitable that if you Google a pregnancy or parenting related question, you will end up finding yourself in a forum because someone, somewhere, has asked the same exact question in a forum - even the really weird specific ones!
I've never actually become a member to these mommy groups/forums/message boards, but I have stalked a lot them to help feed my paranoia and discovered there were different types of commenters popping up in every thread. So if you don't mind, I'd like to make fun of them here.
Ms. All Caps
Ms. All Caps needs no introduction. Writing anything in all caps has been a faux pas since people have been writing stories on cave walls. Is your caps lock accidentally on and you don’t have eyeballs? I need answers!
What age was your baby sleeping through the night? My DD is almost 7 months and wakes up four times a night :(
MY BABY SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT AT TWO MONTHS OLD!! HER LAST FEEDING IS AT 10 PM THEN LIGHTS OUT! I KNOW IT’S HARD, YOU CAN DO IT MOMMAS!
Ms. Off Topic
You know her. You know her well. She’s the one that tries to hijack the conversation to get her own question answered.
Help! I’m breastfeeding and my nipples are cracked and painful. I’ve been using lanolin, does anyone have any other home remedy ideas?
Ms. Off Topic:
Help! Does anyone know if it’s ok to feed my 5 month old pureed bananas?
Ms. Emergency is in a hot panic and she’s usually in a forum that’s been dead for years.
Forum Question in 2009:
I’m 6 months pregnant and I’ve had a little light brown spotting. I left a message for my midwife, but I’m getting worried. Is this normal?
Ms. Emergency in 2015:
I’m 6 months pregnant too and I just wiped and I can’t tell if it’s poop or brown spotting! I’ve been breathing in a paper sack for about an hour I’m so worried. I haven’t called my doctor yet, I thought I would panic here first. HELP!!
Ms. Doom and Gloom
Ms. Doom and Gloom is the reason our doctors tell us to get off the Internet.
I’m 8 months pregnant, anyone else suffering with bad acid reflux? I had chili last night and my heartburn was so bad I couldn’t sleep. I even choked on it once and had to throw up!
Ms. Doom and Gloom:
No! You should NEVER have acid reflux THAT SEVERE! My cousin had acid reflux less severe than you and her WHOLE FAMILY DIED THE NEXT DAY! Go to the ER IMMEDIATELY!
Ms. Worry Wart
Ms. Worry Wart is the woman that worries about every. little. thing. imaginable. And needs constant confirmation everything is ok or normal.
Forum Question from Ms. Worry Wart:
Hi everyone! I’m currently 7 months, 21 days, 6 hours, 52 minutes and 3 seconds and I felt something like a kick in my stomach. My OB said it was just the baby moving and kicking, but honestly I don’t think she knows what she’s talking about because all my friends in my essential oils group told me that I should use lavender oil on my vagina during delivery and my OB said that was a bad idea, so I’ve really stopped trusting her opinion about these things ever since. Anyway, I don’t think it’s a kick, I read that maybe it was my body trying to reject my baby like a parasite? Also, I have a discharge and even though my OB said discharge is normal, I don’t think it is. Sorry, TMI, but I’ve included 5 pictures of my discharge. I can upload more if you need them. It’s clear and with no smell and really hard to see and I’m seriously freaking out and can’t sleep. Also, a week ago, there was red all over my underwear. I was actually wearing red underwear, so I think it’s probably blood, but I don’t know for sure! Could I be dying? Is my baby dying? I’m starting to freak out over here. SOMEBODY HELP!
Little Miss Sunshine
Little Miss Sunshine is just the sweetest and so happy for everyone! All of the time!
Hey gang, I just had my baby a week ago. We’re very excited to have our baby here, but I don’t think I’ve slept yet! I have a 3 year old so I can’t really sleep when the baby sleeps. Any tips for me?
Little Miss Sunshine:
Congratulations on your new baby! And congrats to all the new mommas all around the world!! My DD is a week old too, sleeping in my arms right now and this happy momma is following her bliss! I hope you all are following your bliss too! We can do it mommas! I’ve attached 10 pictures of me breastfeeding her. I LOVE YOU! <3 <3 <3 XOXOXOXOXO
Ms. Can’t Type or Spell
This one is obvious. The only thing not obvious is why they are spelling and typing so badly. Is English their 5th language? Are they on their phone and it’s auto-correcting everything, then they took their eyeballs out and walked away? Are they typing with their eyes closed all like, “To hell with it!”
I’ll never know and not knowing will haunt me forever.
My son had diarrhea and it gave him really bad diaper rash. I’m afraid it will bleed soon! Any tips for quick healing?
Ms. Can’t Type or Spell
Hi.MY DS hade a rash to.Iwas told toput a desitne onit 4 like 2 days. I dID andcleared up pretty quck. God luckt!
Ms. Know it All
Ms. Know it All always has an answer for everything, jumping from forum to forum spreading her wisdom.
Hi guys! I work full time so I was hoping to wean my DD at around 6 months, but I heard it’s best to breastfeed for at least a year. I’m torn and don’t know what to do. Anyone else in a tough spot like me?
Ms. Know it All:
Actually, breastfeeding your baby until at least two has been proven to prevent testicular cancer and extend your child’s life by at least 30 years. Stopping at 6 months is way too soon. Don’t just take my advice, do your research!
The troll is a self-righteous commenter who thinks “follow your maternal instincts” only applies to her because everyone else is too stupid to be trusted following theirs.
Did anyone let their baby sleep with a light blanket after 6 months? It’s the dead of winter and our baby’s room is a bit drafty. We just got back from our 6 month check-up and my pediatrician said now that he’s rolling, he’s perfectly safe with a light, breathable blanket, but I’m still nervous.
I didn’t let my DS have a pillow or a blanket for bed until they were 5 years old. Why? BECAUSE THEY CAN SUFFOCATE TO DEATH YOU IDIOTS! I’m sickened by how many people keep saying, “Follow your maternal instincts” - follow them where? THE GRAVE?!
This commenter seems to be confused or something. Someone posted a question and then 100s of people answered the question. Is she lost?
My baby is 5 months and insists on rolling over and sleeping on her tummy. It makes me so worried! Should I turn her over?
Guys, I’m freaking out! My 6 month old is rolling over and sleeping on her stomach in the middle of the night. Is that okay? What should I do?
Ms. Breast Milk
Ms. Breast milk thinks breast milk is the cure-all for everything. I mean, everything.
Hi guys, I’m about 6 weeks postpartum and I’ve developed a red rash on my face and neck. Has this happened to anyone else?
Ms. Breast Milk:
I would pump about 15 gallons of breast milk and then dump it into a sanitary tub and soak in it for at least an hour. It will clear the rash right up and will do wonders for your skin!!
Did I miss any? ;)