20 Things moms really want for Christmas

“What do you want for Christmas?”
 
Moms are asked that question countless times a year, whether by their husbands, kids, or extended family. What’s your answer? If you’re like me, your go-to response is, “I don’t know” or “I don’t care” or maybe even, “Just surprise me.” But if we were to be completely honest, we do have a list. A list that proves just how low our standard of living truly is, that we never say out loud, and that we’d never get anyway…because all we really want for Christmas is:
 
1.  An uninterrupted nap
 
2.  An hour of uninterrupted sex
 
3.  An uninterrupted conversation with another adult
(Maybe just stop with all the interrupting, ok?)
 
4.  A table for 1 at any quiet restaurant
 
5.  Silence…shhhh…just, silence
 
6.  A tattle-free world
 
7.  A full night’s sleep with nobody’s legs across my throat
 
8.  To grocery shop alone
(Like, seriously, I want Walmart all to myself)
 
9.  To pee alone
 
10.  A long hot bath, alone
(Maybe we could leave me alone for just a little while)
 
11.  More than 3 Walmart lines open on any given day
 
12.  A grocery cart with 4 wheels that all roll the same direction
 
13.  To finish a meal while it’s still hot
 
14.    A cleaning lady
 
15.  One full day of empty laundry baskets
 
16.  The toilet paper replaced on the roll correctly
(It goes over, dammit, don’t make me hurt you.)
 
17.  For everyone to stop blaming their idiocy on my period
 
18.  A gynecologist who doesn’t weigh me
 
19.  For everybody to leave my boobs alone for one day
 
20.  Sports bras that divide and lift
 
Oh, speaking of which, I need new ones.
Like seriously…I want sports bras for Christmas…but hey, that new coffee mug and pair of slippers I know is coming will be equally as fabulous.