The Toddler Rules

My grandson is almost 2. Maybe my kids were the same way and I just forget, or maybe there’s a new breed of toddler amongst us now. But these are the things I’ve learned (or been reminded of) as spoken by my grandson…not that he can speak in complete sentences yet, but he doesn't need to. His messages couldn't be more clear:
“If something displeases me, I reserve the right to respond in high pitched dolphin squeals and I’ll expect you to respond immediately.”
“If I’m in a room alone and you hear me say, ‘Uh oh’, whatever just happened probably warrants a much bigger response than Uh oh.”
“If you catch me doing something I know I’m not supposed to do, I’m gonna act super surprised. And you’re gonna go with it. Because I’m that adorable.”
“The minute you change my diaper, I will poop. Again.”
“Potty training will be your idea, not mine. And until it is mine, your attempts will fail miserably.”
“If I’m repeating the word ‘more’, I might mean more of what I just had, more of something totally different, more of a specific person, more of a different location in the house, or more attention in general.
It’ll be your responsibility to figure it out and I suggest you move quickly on that.”
“If I decide it’d be best that we all sleep together in your bed, I’ll make your life a living hell until you agree.”
“I like to give kisses to say that I’m sorry. Therefore, I’m obviously gonna need to hurt you first. Get off my back, I’m tryin’ to do the right thing here.”
"I'm really good at having opinions. It's like my only thing."
“Just as you reach your highest Call Of Duty score ever, I’ll casually venture over to the box and quickly push the power button. I’m teaching you patience. You’re welcome.”
“If I want it, I’ll repeat myself. Again. And again. And again. And again. And again.
Trust me. You’ll cave.”
“If I say no, I mean no, unless I suddenly change my mind and mean yes, in which case you’ll adjust accordingly.”
"I will undo whatever you just did, which is almost like helping."
“When all else fails, check the title. I rule…and I care 0% if you disagree.”
“You’re gonna screw up. Shake it off. I won't remember my toddler years, anyway.”