Things NOT To Say To Anna Now That She's Had A Baby

For those of you who haven't heard, Anna had her baby! Everyone here at Hahas is completely over the moon for her and her husband and can't wait to hear all about her parenting journey (as soon as she gets more than two consecutive hours of sleep and can form an intelligent sentence). We've all been there, AMIRIGHT?

Anyway, now that there's this new baby in my cyber-world, I find myself ready to give unsolicited parenting tips at every turn. Everything from co-sleeping to which form of birth control is best is running through my head, and I have to shove Christmas chocolates in my mouth to stop myself from blurting out this valuable advice all the time. I mean, I've had three kids so I know a little about what I speak of. Or a lot. Actually, I'm a parenting genius and it would do everyone some good to just do as I say. There, I said it.

But as much as I love to give people feedback on how they're raising their children, there are things even I won't say to a new mom. So, even though you didn't ask for it, here's my advice on things no new mom wants to hear from a complete stranger in the grocery store. (Anna, grab a pen and paper -- this is good stuff).

1. "How old is HE?"

Excuse me, stranger. Do you not notice the pink bow, the earrings, and the purple floral onesie? Are you blind? Oh you are? So sorry. Here, let me help you up on the curb.

But for real, people. Let's stick to phrases like, "How old is your BABY?" and " Your BABY looks adorable!" Keep it simple and gender neutral, just like the onesie my baby is NOT wearing.

 

2.  "When are you due?"

Dude, I know my body looks like someone deflated a blimp, but do you NOT notice the brand new baby in my arms?

We've discussed this before on Hahas, but asking someone when they're due is literally the stupidest question ever. Unless the baby is crowning, don't assume she's pregnant. Ever.

 

3.  "Are you ready for another one?"

My vagina is still hanging loose at 10 centimeters and you have the cahones to ask me if I'm planning on making another one of these nocturnal, leaky blessings anytime soon? The answer, dear stranger, is back the eff off.

 

4.  "Just wait until the next one comes -- THEN it'll be hard."

Yes, I just have one. One tiny human that manages to quadruple my piles of laundry, keep everyone in the house awake all night long, and turn me into a sweatpants-wearing crazy woman who doesn't shower, hasn't had a hot meal in weeks, and is still recovering from seeing my post-baby body in the full-length mirror yesterday. For now, one is plenty.

 

5. "Can I touch her?"

I'll let Steve take this one.

 

So let's all congratulate Anna on the birth of her daughter, Lucy, and show her our support by giving her unsolicited parenting advice and sharing Facebook posts of babies cuddling with puppies. Isn't that what every parent wants anyway?

Now if you'll excuse me I need to send Anna an email about the best way to hold her baby when she breastfeeds.

 

Congratulations, Anna and Rob! Lucy, you're a lucky girl!