Things Moms Want to Say to Their Kid's School

It’s that time of year again. We send our kids off on the first day of school and they return home with the dreaded parent packet, loaded with all the rules and regulations ranging from the common sense to the “new and improved” policies requiring your initials here, here, here, and signature here. I’m not sure who exactly is responsible for some of this nonsense, but somebody needs to know that they’re only wreaking havoc on our already over-burdened teachers and screwing with frazzled parents.
I broached this topic with my mom friends and discovered it’s not just me, and it’s not just our district. So, on behalf of moms everywhere, we have some things we’d like our children’s schools to know as we begin this new academic year.
None of our information has changed in the 3 months since you last saw my kids, so please just let me check a damn box that says that because I’m getting carpal tunnel filling out your 12 multi-colored forms for each child.
I understand that shoes are required on the bus, if you understand that mornings are a bitch and sometimes my kid will be carrying hers in her hand when she’s running down the driveway.
The ‘feed your child breakfast each morning’ recommendation and the ‘no eating on the bus’ rule are contradictions. So which is it? Cuz dragging him out of bed earlier ain’t an option.
At some point, the German Shepherd will bolt out our front door and jump onto the bus. Let’s all try to move past it without a follow-up phone call reminding me there's no pets allowed on the bus.
Using the word ‘mandatory’ before the word ‘meeting’ is the one way to ensure I won’t be there.
Any faculty member that speaks for longer than 3 minutes into a microphone should be fined. Severely.
Stop scheduling a parent teacher conference to tell me there’s nothing to report and to ask me if I have any questions. They make this cool thing called email that works great for crap like that.
Understand that children are unique individuals so please don’t assume that my 2nd child is anything like my 1st. My 3rd and 4th children, however, are exactly like my 1st…so good luck.
Go ahead and expect to see portion-controlled HoHos and Cheetos in my child’s lunch. You’re only setting yourself up for daily disappointment if you're looking for a side salad. 
Always count on me for cookies and cupcakes at classroom celebrations, because unfortunately, carrots and celery do not scream ‘Happy Birthday.’
If you want the classroom pet to live, keep it in the classroom.
Before you send a note home with something you think I should know, you should know that I probably won’t care nearly as much about the issue as you do.
Pajamas are clothes too. Get over it.
Yoga pants aren’t Satan. Common Core is.
If you’re going to inform me that a bed bug has been found in an undisclosed location of the school, either burn it to the ground and rebuild, or you better damn well disclose exactly which location the bed bug was found in. Your choice.
If you seriously think I’m taking my kid to the doctor for every cough and low grade fever just to get an official excused absence note, you’re seriously delusional and I hope you enjoy that projectile vomit during carpet time because I will no longer answer your call for what I know is an untreatable virus that the doctor would say needs to run its course.
FEES! Lunch fees, club fees, pay to play fees, transportation fees…not to mention back to school clothes, shoes, supplies…and then I’m asked to send in enough tissues and sandwich baggies to supply a small country. We’re in debt before our kid even cracks open a book. Stop the insanity.
And with all due respect, what the ever lovin’ hell is the $65 dollar kindergarten fee going toward? Might I suggest you invest in more Kleenex, which you’re gonna need since nobody’s keepin’ their sick kid home from school anymore.
So cheers to the new school year. May all we survive it.