This is an ongoing list. New additions may be added daily depending on who's driving me nuts.
People who stop to text in the middle of the sidewalk
I know the struggle. I’ve been there. You’re walking to a destination, but then a text or important email comes through. Or let’s be honest, you’re checking the amount of Likes on your selfie. Walking and smart phoning isn’t easy - Lord knows I’ve tried. But coming to a full stop to finish that text when I'm walking briskly behind you is one quick way to get a knee up your butt. And I won’t apologize either. I mean, unless I hurt you really bad, but WHATEVER, you get my point.
When I pull up Facebook, see an interesting status update then it paginates and I lose it
You know when you pull up your Facebook app and you immediately see an intriguing post, whether it be status update or link to an article, then right as you go to click on it, Facebook paginates and you lose it - never to be found again? It is the freaking worst!! I’ve wasted entire mornings trying to find the post again because at some point it becomes about principle more than anything. It's like trying to think of a name of an actor that escapes your tongue - you just can't let it go until you discover it again. I have a life to live Facebook, I can't waste my time with this crap! Get it together and stop paginating!
People who try FaceTiming you without warning you first
If you want to guarantee I won’t answer your call, try surprising me with a FaceTime call. Nope, not happening. It’s apparently some universal law that whenever someone FaceTimes unexpectedly, I’ll look like a character in The Walking Dead who’s been roaming around alone for awhile. Disheveled, forlorned and in desperate need of a bath.
Do you really think I want to turn a camera on my face at 9 PM after I've washed off my makeup and working over a jug of Ben and Jerry's? I reserve that visual for my husband's eyes only, thank you very much. If you want to FaceTime, let’s set an appointment so I can at least put a bra on, mmkay?
When you know people have read your message and they don't write you back
iMessage and Facebook message allows us to see who has read our messages - the great blessing and curse of our time. I always look way too far into it when I see “Read” after my message. I start off calm and casual. “Oh, they must be driving or busy,” I say to myself. But then as time goes on I start over thinking it. “Are they mad at me? Did someone talk crap about me so now they’re avoiding me? Are they so busy they can’t be bothered to answer my one little question!?!?!” The reality is they probably saw the message, couldn’t respond and then forgot about it. But if you dare to send another message after that and then they ignore your second one? Oh gawd! The horror! Just pack up your back and move, it's your only option.
When you know someone knows you read their message, but you don't have time to write them back
It’s really rude when someone reads my messages without writing me back, but when I read a message without writing someone back it’s totally fine. I’m busy, okay? But sometimes when I’m really busy or taking a nap or watching Little People LA or WHATEVER, I don’t actually want that person to know I read it because I don’t want to respond just yet and why is technology telling everyone my business?
When you finally find a parking spot and as you pull up, a Fiat is in your spot
Picture it. You’re going around and around a packed parking lot looking for a spot. You start to get desperate, when suddenly an opening emerges! As you gun it to beat the car coming from the other direction you come to screeching halt because a freaking tiny ass tin can death car is in your spot. These cars fool me daily into thinking I found an amazing spot and I've had enough!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and I'll get super pissed and write a blog post about you and your stupid car. So there!
When socks and/or shoes are guaranteed to fall off my baby's feet and be lost forever
Why do we make socks or shoes for babies? Is it to test a parent’s endurance? Is it to test our patience? Will? Strength to go on? I’ve never met a shoe or sock that hasn’t fallen off my baby’s foot within 5 minutes of being at our destination. 9 times out of 10 I don’t notice until it’s long gone, never to be found again. I think it may be the greatest scam in America and Oshkosh B’Gosh is laughing all the way to bank.
Making eye contact with someone who works at a mall kiosk
No! You may not ask me a question! No! I do not want to try your lotion on my “dry hands” (I'm offended by the way)! No! I do not want you to use your scrub on my feet, this isn’t a spa, it’s a hallway in a mall!
I have naturally curly hair, so the flat iron people zone in on me like paparazzi to Kim Kardashian. They see my unruly curls bouncing down the hall and they all start getting commission boners.
When I hear, “Ma’am, Ma’am! Can I ask you a question?” I clutch my purse and start running. One guy followed me into American Eagle! “You will love this! Your hair will be so beautiful and straight!”
As opposed to ugly and curly? I’m not interested, I don’t straighten my hair. Thanks.
“Let me straighten one section so you can see how great it works!”
So, I’m supposed to walk around the mall with one section of my hair straight while the rest is curly? Who am I? Boy George?
“Or we can straighten all your hair. Come, sit down!”
Like I have that kind of time? I’m here to exchange my husband’s jeans, not spend an hour getting my hair straightened by some random dude at a kiosk. Besides, I like my hair curly - I don’t want it straight. The last time I straightened my hair a friend said I looked like I was wearing a Cher wig, then they laughed for 15 minutes.
I’m getting irrationally ragey just thinking about this list.
This is all I have for now, I’m sure there are a ton I’ve missed. Share with me and we’ll go over your comments in the next HaHas for HooHas podcast!