Things That Don't Need To Be Advertised On TV. Nor Should They

No matter what it is these days, if you need it, there’s a way to find it. But let’s be perfectly clear here. Not everything needs to have it's own commercial and there are some products that simply shouldn’t be blasted uninvited through our television screens and directly into our children’s ears, thus initiating a barrage of unnecessary questions.
So, please, Network Television. Stop with the:
Erectile Dysfunction Meds
Trust me, it only takes one experience with this to send a guy straight to the doctor. We don’t need to see a grey haired dude creepin’ up behind his lady on the tennis court.
And anyone who needs to be told to discontinue a medication if he experiences swelling of his nose and throat, probably shouldn’t be having sex in the first place. As for that 'erection lasting longer than 4 hours' you keep talking about…quit gettin’ our hopes up.
Medical Lawsuits
Whatever the hell Transvaginal Mesh is, if y’all could just come to a settlement, the rest of us are pretty sick of hearing about it.
Need em? Lemme help ya out…Walmart, Target, CVS, your local gas station bathroom…read the package, take your time. Then maybe everyone else can stop hearing 'ribbed for her pleasure' during Everybody Loves Raymond reruns.
Herpes Declarations
Before I have time to tackle my kids and cover their ears, 4 people have stated into a camera, “I have genital herpes.” On behalf of all society, please feel free not to share everything with me.
K-Y Ultragel
Because nothing screams personal lubricant like a woman speeding across a lake on a jet ski.
If you don’t know by now, that UPS will deliver a discreet-pre-lubricated-no-drips-no-mess-fits-in-your-purse-compact-catheter-for-women straight to your door, you’ve obviously been living under a rock.
Summer’s Eve
If I had a dime for every time my daughters asked me about that ‘not so fresh feeling…’
Electric Neti Pot
Because if you’ve never cleared the snot from your nose by waterboarding yourself with a handheld power hose, have you really lived? Two words for ya: Shower Head. I just saved you $79.95. Or better yet, Kleenex. Now I just saved your life. You’re welcome.
Trust me, if my lady bits are on fire, I’m not sitting on my couch wondering what to do about that, because by that point, I’ve already Googled home remedies, inserted peaches ‘n’ cream yogurt up my vag, and been prescribed a potent yeast pill by my doctor who had to remove the damn garlic clove from my nether regions. Now where the hell was your commercial 5 days ago?
So come on, product advertisers, use some judgment…you act like you’re dealin’ with morons here.