The People Who "Help" You Move

Let’s state the obvious.
Moving sucks, helping people move really sucks, but at some point we all move, and we know what it’s like to need people to help you. It’s just a fact of life that the more people who pitch in and the harder we all work together, the faster it will go for everyone. Aaaaand if you aren’t willing to help a friend or family member move, you’re kind of a dick.
By the time you’re my age, you’ve been on both sides of the moving scene too many times to count, and generally speaking, these are the various types of people who show up…or don’t.
The Mother
She allowed her grown child and family to live with her during the months of sales limbo (read: while Fifth Third Bank gripped it’s talons into everyone’s balls and yanked profusely with ridiculous demands, unmet deadlines, and unprofessional behavior.) On moving day, the mother can be found unpacking boxes, setting up the kitchen, and lovingly decorating the walls.
The Grandmother
She’ll arrive promptly at noon with a hot homemade meal to feed a small army, complete with all the condiments, desserts, and disposable tableware. She’s thought of every detail right down to prongs for the pickles. Pickle prongs. It’s moments like this that make you realize how deprived a life you’ve lived.
Movin’ on….
The Mother-In-Law
Shows up relatively on time, with housewarming gift in hand, and all is going well until she gets bored waiting for the first load of stuff to arrive, announces that she’s obviously not needed, and leaves in a huff because this entire day was supposed to be about her. Surprised you didn’t know that.
Older brother
Brings his toddlers, because who wouldn’t want a couple of saboteurs running around behind you undoing everything you just did? That roll of paper towels shoved down the hole of your new toilet is an added bonus. You’re welcome.
Younger brother
You know, the one you’ve helped move 3 times?
Yeah, he’s a no-show.
Sister-in-law #1
The one you helped move into her new home just 2 weeks prior.
Another no-show…aaaand, ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie for the ‘Sibling Asshole of the Year Award.’
Sister-in-law #2
A no-show, but sent super helpful texts all day checking in on your progress, peppered with excuses of why she’s not there…damn those inconvenient migraines…BUT, and this is important…she showed up the next day with cookies. Relationship saved. Barely.
Super-Busy Friends, with dog
Showed up at the half day mark…with their dog…brought one trailer worth of stuff and then hightailed it outta there, because your friendship is totally worth that 15 minutes of the day they spared while their pooch trampled through your new house. BFF’s 4-evah.
The Bull In The China Shop
Don’t even worry about those antique family heirlooms, dude. The scratches and chips you’re leaving will add character and charm.
The Director
No, he’s not lifting a damn finger, but somebody’s gotta stand around empty-handed barking orders, am I right?
The Browser
“Do you still want this? Ooooo, can I have that?”
Keep it movin’, this ain’t a yard sale.
The Hulk
Why yes, that is impressive how you can hoist my couch over your shoulder all by yourself, but here’s the thing. We’d like to actually use it again someday, so grab a buddy, thanks.
Nine hours later, you and your things are finally inside your new home and time heals all wounds…unfortunately, it won’t heal that broken window someone shoved your mattress through, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.