Ten Things You Never Want to Say before Dinner Guests Arrive

I love entertaining, but something always seems to go wrong right before I hear the ding dong of the doorbell. As I waited on our guests while repeatedly stabbing our frozen icemaker with a butcher knife last week, I didn’t complain, because it could have been worse.

Ten Things You Never Want To Say Before Dinner Guests Arrive:

1. Does the mold on these Kraft Singles make them look elegant? And the answer is no. No it doesn’t.

2. I think I forgot to *ding dong* turn on the oven. That’s okay. Just serve a bowl of egg yolks with that raw lamb leg.  

3. The toilet is clogged and I can’t find the plunger. Hide all of your grade-A pharmaceuticals and let them use your private bath.

4. The smoke detector battery is low and we have every battery except the correct ones for the smoke detec *beep* tor.  That is a dis *beep* aster.

5. I just remembered Barb is a diabetic and has a nut allergy (as you set Barb’s Double Chocolate Nutella Peanut Butter Macadamia Fudge Cake on the counter to cool). Offer her a wedge of iceberg lettuce instead.

6. I sneezed in the mashed potatoes. Is your phlegm yellow? If so, it’ll pass as butter. Is your phlegm green? Make a new batch.

7. Where is my frgging bra? A packed Caravan just pulled into the driveway and you’re still not dressed, huh? Just wrap an Ace bandage around your girls to reduce the chances of them plopping into the banana pudding.

8. The baby’s butt just exploded on the ottoman. Red alert! Scrub as much as you can, spray it with Lysol and drape a blanket over the stain. When Aunt Susie sits on it and inquires about the smell, make her think she’s the one who stinks.

9. I forgot the wine. And the champagne. And the Vodka and Red Bull. Oh dear. You know how Rupert loves to drone on about his Pinterest projects. How will you ever get through the night without 80 proof?

10. Who’s at the door? Was our dinner party tonight? Yes it was. Don’t worry. Your boss and his wife will love a bowl of dog food and some Capri Suns. Oh, and put on some pants.

Next time you drop the punch bowl before your guests arrive, remember it could be worse.

There could be a turd floating in your toilet or raw chicken on the menu.