Ten Examples of Social Media Paranoia

So you’re a Facebook fiend. You upload photos to IG on an hourly (half-hourly) (okay, four-minutely) basis. You’ve pressed the # button so many times on your phone that it doesn’t even work properly anymore. But a handful of people always like or comment on your stuff. Maybe it’s your best friend. Or your aunt in Winnipeg. Or even your significant other. Whoever it is, you can always count on these special people to give you a blue thumb, a heart or a star. They are your biggest supporters in everything social media.  You base your self-worth on the approval of these beautiful, encouraging, promising people.

But one day, one post, and that familiar bandwagon can’t be found. A list of possibilities of why they’ve abandoned you run through your head- possibilities that paint you as a blubbering idiot who annoys everyone in your path and probably has halitosis that smells eerily similar to the dumpster behind the daycare. But what you think someone’s intentions are by not interacting with your posts is probably just a miscommunication. Here are ten examples of what runs through your paranoid mind when someone:

1. Didn’t like my status

What you think: They didn’t like my status about the puppy eating turds? Wow, she must hate me. He thinks my dog and I are both disgusting. They’ll never invite us to another party again. Our family is forever known as the “people with the shih-eating Shih Tzu.” Our social lives are over. Our friendship is over. She hates our entire family. Maybe I should just delete the status. I can’t believe he didn’t like this status. He loves puppies. And disgusting stuff like eating turds. My life is over. Woe is me. Woe, woe, woe. I’ll never post about the dog eating fecal matter again.
What really happened: He/she didn’t see your status in a news feed crowded with recipes and Buzzfeed quizzes.
Or they really think you and your dog are disgusting.

2. Didn’t like my photo

What you think: Oh Mylanta, I must look horrible in that picture. She thinks I look horrible.  I just know it. He thinks my kids are ugly. They think the baby looks like a hairless weasel. They wonder if I let my children wear pajamas to the grocery store. They think the mud on the dog’s face is poo. Our friendship is over. They are embarrassed to know anyone who poses next to the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile. This is horrendous. I should delete the photo. I can’t believe she didn’t think that was cute. Oh Mylanta.
What really happened: They didn’t see your status in a news feed crowded with posts about 1,213 ways to use essential oils for eczema.
Or they really think you (and your children) fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

3. Didn’t like my comment on her status

What you think: I don’t understand. I clearly supported her rant about women who gossip too much. I commented, “Preach it, sister!” What, she doesn’t care that I agree with her? Or is this status about me? She thinks I gossip too much. That’s what it is. She liked everyone’s comment on her status except mine because the status is about me. She thinks I’m a gossip. And she thinks I’m a hypocrite for telling her to “Preach it, sister!” Our friendship is over. The joke is on me. She hates me. This status was about me, wasn’t it? Oh heavens.  
What really happened: She accidentally skipped over your comment amongst the other 43 replies.
Or the status is about you.  

4. Didn’t reply to my question on his wall

What you think: I just wanted to invite him to lunch tomorrow. I know he saw my invitation on his wall. I even tagged him in it. He doesn’t want to go to lunch tomorrow. He hates my company. Last time I saw him, I had a huge zit on my cheek. That grossed him out. He thinks we’ll go to lunch and he’ll have to stare at that oozing zit while trying to eat an enchilada. Oh, he hates me. He is blatantly ignoring me. He doesn’t want to go to lunch. He definitely doesn’t want anything to do with me. He hates me. I hate him.
What really happened: He missed your question among all of the “I Love My Son” memes that his mother posts on his wall on a minutely basis.
Or he doesn’t want to go to lunch.
5. Didn’t respond with a smiley face or “lol” at the end of a confusing comment

What you think:  Is she serious? Does she really think I’m crazy? She thinks I am legitimately need-to-be committed in a padded room crazy. She commented, “You’re crazy,” but she didn’t add any kind of friendly emoticons at the end. No lol’s. Or happy faces. Nothing.  This is so confusing.  She really thinks I’m crazy, doesn’t she? She think’s I am Grade-A, Certifiable, Not-In-A-Fun-Way Crazy. What did she mean? “You’re crazy.” Am I? Am I crazy?
What really happened: She uses “crazy” as a term of endearment.
Or she really thinks you’re a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

6. Didn’t invite me to an event

What you think: They hate me. They think I will eat all of the bean dip and fart on the dance floor. They don’t want me there. They are embarrassed to even admit that they know me. They don’t want me to rain on their parade. They hate me. People hate me.  Why, God, why do these people hate me?
What really happened: You accidentally got skipped over, Jennifer, seeing as how 120 other ladies on their friend’s list share your name.
Or they would rather invite Satan to their shindig than you.

7. Didn’t accept my friend request

What really happened: They didn’t recognize you by your profile photo of a shih-eating dog or by your married last name.

8. Didn’t share my status

What you think: I thought more people would share the information about my garage sale on Saturday. I specifically asked my friends to share my post. They know we’ve got to unload this corduroy sectional. They are too good to share one measly status? No one will come to our garage sale now, because my “friends” can’t help me out by simply sharing a link? I share all of their stuff- from lost dogs to ISO: taxidermist. I share everything for these people. I’m such a good friend to them and they can’t share one status about my friggin’ garage sale? I HATE THEM!
What really happened: They didn’t see your request to share your garage sale status among a news feed crowded with other people requesting people to share their garage sale status. 
Or they really don’t think your crap is worthy of advertising.

9. Didn’t tag me in a photo

What you think: There I am, barely visible on the back row, but she didn’t tag me in the photo. Oh, she tagged her and her and her and him, but she didn’t tag me? She doesn’t want people to know we are friends. She is embarrassed that I was even in the picture. She hates me. I’ll never take another photo with these people again. They don’t want me to, anyway. I’ll die a lonely, photo-less death.
What really happened: Your Facebook settings are configured so that you can’t be tagged in photos.
Or she’d rather be associated with Hitler than you. 

10. Didn’t congratulate me

What you think: They aren’t glad that I found out I’m pregnant and won $500 on a scratch-off lottery ticket on the same day? What? They think my lottery ticket obsession means that I will be a bad parent? They think I have a gambling problem, don’t they? They think I will have the baby in a stroller at the casino. They aren’t happy for me? They genuinely aren’t happy for me? Or they just don’t care? They aren’t going to like a status that incorporates new life AND free money? These people are RUDE! I liked 23 status updates about Advocare success last month and they can’t like one freaking status about pregnancy and a winning ticket? I hate these people!
What really happened: They didn’t see the photo of you holding a winning lottery ticket next to your belly among their newsfeed crowded with inspirational quotes written in cursive on sepia-tinted photos of sunsets. 
Or they think simultaneously announcing a pregnancy and a lottery win from gas station parking lot was ridiculously tacky.

See, you have nothing to worry about.

Or do you?