Elle Macpherson, Naomi Campbell and Shaquille O’Neal are all towering beauties, but being a vertical splendor comes with a price. As the 5’11 President of Amazon Women International, I know firsthand that the tall girl struggle is real.
The Clothing Struggle
Tall girls just want to walk into a store and find a pair of frigging jeans that don’t make them look like they’re living in the days of Noah and preparing for a flood. They also want a frigging shirt with sleeves long enough to cover octopus tentacles. Hey there, petite salesgirl, please check and see if you have that snazzy heel in a size 10- because tall girls have skis for feet. Oh, you don’t have that heel in Sasquatch size? Well, it’s probably for the best. Wearing heels puts us tall girls at the same height as a mighty Sequoia.
The Seating Struggle
Tall girls just want to climb into the back of their friend’s Hyundai without feeling like they’re wedged in a sardine can. Excuse me, flight attendant, may I possibly have an aisle seat so I don’t feel like I’m playing a game of Twister? No? Okay, I’ll just rest my chin on my knees until we land. It’ll help me practice my contortionism in case I ever want to tour with Cirque de Soleil.
The Dating Struggle
Although Danny Devito and Rick Moranis are extremely hot hunks, tall girls prefer dating someone who is large enough in stature to legally ride the Tilt-O-Whirl at the county fair. It’s just awkward when every time we hug our beau, their faces end up nestled between our breasts. Sorry, little monkey, we’d rather you not climb this tree.
The Stereotype Struggle
Little men would be offended and annoyed if people constantly assumed they were horse jockeys. So, dear masses, please stop presuming that all tall girls play basketball or volleyball. Most of us don’t know anything about free throws, except that we are going to freely throw our fists into your face if you reference the WNBA one mo' time.
The Photo Struggle
Short girls, your tall friends really love you, but that photo you took standing side by side on girls night will never make it as tall girl’s profile pic. I mean, you’re awesome, but no one wants a profile photo that looks like the movie poster for “Twins”. You look cute as a button, but we look intimidating as a bear.
So remember, tall ladies: Refrain from slapping a short girl when she complains she has to have her pants hemmed. Grit your teeth and bear the excruciating pain when you ride in a hatchback. Try not to pet that little guy on the head when you refuse his offer to dance. Don’t spike anyone in the face when they ask if you played volleyball. It’s okay to ask your petite friend to sit and say “cheese” so you won’t look like a behemoth next to her in the photo. Remember the jail time isn’t worth responding violently when someone asks you how the weather is up there.
Just keep your head high, your shoulders back and know that you are beautiful.
And duck when you see an airplane coming.