Before I became a Mom I was told all about the highlights of parenting. The ups. The downs. The laughs. The tears. The nights of sleep deprivation. And of course, all the poop I would be wiping on a regular basis. I felt like I had a decent grip on what being a Mom was going to be like. I could totally do this. I would own this.
What people failed to mention was the fact that I was going to turn into A Big Fat Freaking Liar.
It all started out so innocent with a little white lie here and a little white there. Things like the TV was broken so we couldn't watch Dora or that we were all out of fruit snacks. I could totally justify these lies because less screen time and sugar are a good thing, right? I could sleep at night with a clear conscience. I was just protecting my child after all. But then the lies started to spiral into bigger, more frequent lies and that's when I went from being an occasional liar to a habitual liar. The amount of white lies that I tell my child in one day is astronomical and I really wish I could stop but I am in too deep and cannot find my way out.
Don't even try to act like you don't know what I am talking about. Santa? The Elf on the Shelf? The Tooth Fairy? Yes, these lies are all in good fun and bring joy to our children but a lie is still a lie. The truth is, you aren't truly parenting if you aren't telling 2 to 3 white lies a day. And most of the time it's without thinking one iota about it. It's second nature.
Please don't think that I am proud of this confession, because I am not. I have always lived my life by the golden rule that honesty is the best policy. And as a parent, I absolutely want to instill those values in my children...... at some point. But the meantime, I have to lie to survive. And to make my life as a Mom easier. And sometimes to protect my child. End of story.
Here are Just a few of the white lies that I told in the last week.
1.) The neighborhood playground is closed because it's too windy - I thought this was a slam dunk but my son had so many additional questions like why did they let him play on the playground at school and what does a lot of wind do to a playground? Questions that I wasn't prepared to answer. So as usual, my one lie spiraled into 10. I tried to distract him with arts and crafts and he now thinks that wind closes the playground so I actually think this lie may help me in the future. Score.
2.) They don't make paw patrol shoes - My son was begging for Paw Patrol shoes and I should've know that he had seen them somewhere already but I was having an "off day" from nights of sleep deprivation and I responded, "Baby, they don't make Paw Patrol shoes. "
"But Dylan has some." Busted. I still thought I could recover from this one with, "Well, they discontinued them." He gave me the stare down for a good 5 minutes then didn't say much after that but we now have to avoid all Targets, TJ Maxx's and Marshall's until this Paw Patrol fad kicks the bucket.
3.) I don't have any quarters for the gum ball machine, or it's broken - I like to interchange these because let's be honest, these suckers are everywhere. Whoever invented these and placed them in the front of every restaurant, super market and gas station in the country is a marketing genius. We have a container of about 50 0f them. Yes, I am that Mom. The one who buys hers kid gumballs so will stop screaming. But not anymore. Everyone has a "gumball breaking point" and once I hit mine there was no turning back. The funny part is my son doesn't even know that it's gum. He think they are just colored balls.
4.) They closed the cookie store early today - We have a Tiff's Treats and the end of our street and I have to drive a different route everyday so that my son doesn't go postal for cookies. This past week traffic was bad so I was forced to take the route that went right in front of the cookie store. My son flipped out so naturally, I lied and I told him it was closed. He said that he saw people inside and being quick on my feet I responded, "They are making repairs and they won't be done for an entire month." This lie was actually pretty amazing because now I have bought a months worth of time without any questions about the cookie store.
I feel like I'm really getting good at this....
5.) If you stand up while you eat, it makes you smaller - As parents, we do what we gotta do to get our kids to obey. And the It makes you smaller is always a shoe in. All kids want to be like 45 by the age of 4. It's crazy. Who in the world wants to grow up and have REAL responsibilities? Our kids. I'm not actually sure why I fight this one because I don't think standing and eating is bad for you. It's simply just bad manners.
6.) If you misbehave Mr. Man will get you - My amazingly smart friend taught me about this little gem. Everywhere we go we pick the scariest looking man in the vicinity to enforce discipline. We simply say, "There is Mr. Man and he's watching you, so if you act up, he's going to get you.This usually stops my son dead in his tracks. I highly recommend this one for public outings.
7.) If we throw a tantrum at Target they will never allow us back - I think this is my favorite. There is something about stepping foot in Target that sparks a break down. I'm not sure if its all the toys, the bright lights or all the other kids acting as a catalyst. But If your kid hasn't had a break down at Target then you are not getting the full shopping experience. Trust me, I speak the truth.
It may sound like I'm a mean Mommy with all these lies but I'm saving him from himself while attempting to keep my own sanity. You cannot put a price on a Mom's sanity. One day I will come clean about all these lies and apologize for them. Or I will just take all my expert advice and teach my children how to come up with the best lies for their future family.
Who am I kidding, we know that sh*t is innate. I will not have to teach them a thing.