The Story Behind the Hell eCard: Checkbooks And Demon Cherubs

I consider myself a very patient person.

When my three year old knocks over his chocolate milk cup for the 3rd time, I calmly wipe it up and remind him that the fourth spill results in pouring honey on his feet and letting ferrets lick it off. (That's one of my nightmares, right behind being trapped in a room with Carrot Top.)

This day in particular, my patience was bordering the insanity line, where I couldn't handle one more tantrum being thrown about not getting to eat off the blue plate because the yellow plate made chicken nuggets taste nasty apparently.

Yes, it was one of those days.

I decided to get out of the freaking house and pray that the car would magically transform my children into calm, angelic beings rather than the demon cherubs they were starting to resemble.

We went to a large craft store and I reminded my kids the ridiculous rules I now have to say, "Don't yell booby.  Say kind words.  Sit down in the cart and don't lick the sides."

I was starting to think my car trip had transformed the DC's (demon cherubs, duh) into AB's (angelic beings, double duh) and whizzed around the store in 5 minutes flat.

Then it happened.

We pulled up to the checkout counters only to see 15 people waiting in line...with 3 registers open.

What the heck?  This isn't Walmart!

After a few minutes, my almost two year old got antsy and wanted to get out of the cart.  "Shhhh, no, no, baby.  We're almost done."

"Dowwwwwwwn!   Dowwwwwwwwwn!" he yelled impatiently.

Hoping we could get through the line quickly, I let him get down and prayed that the customers ahead of me would stop talking about freaking Mod Podge.

Finally, there was one customer to go and we could leave the land the glitter and terrible store music.

Little did I know that we'd be in line for 10 minutes.  Behind this particular guy:

"What are you returning, sir?" asked Laverne.
"Oooh, just this firefighter frame.  See! The dog is chipped,"  customer guy whined.
"Would you look at that!  What a shame!  You can't have a firefighter without his dalmatian, am I right?"  joked Laverne.

And on went this ridiculous banter.

Meanwhile, the two year old ran away and was pulling out every single stuffed animal on the end cap of a display and the eldest child of mine yelled, "booby," like his hair was on the fire.

I picked up the two year old and held him in a football hold while shushing booby boy and prayed to the Lord Almighty that Laverne would figure out how to exchange Bill's precious frame.

Just when I thought it as all done, Bill needed to pay the difference since he was buying something else as well.

Yep, he whipped out his checkbook.

I lost it.  I flipping lost it and ran to the next line where someone was just finishing up only to be greeted with a "Register Closed" sign being put up as I squealed in.

"Are you serious?  For real?  No, seriously?" I asked in disbelief. Remember that 1 of my 2 children is screaming and the other is upset that he can't say, "booby."

"Yeah, I'm done," replied the cashier.

"Get back in line!  Hurry!" yelled the sweet woman who stood behind me in Laverne's line.

As I got back in line, the check payment was.  still.  happening.

Laverne was sweetly writing the information from his drivers license because it was apparently 1996.

Finally, it was my turn to check out and I'm sure everyone in the store was getting ready to release confetti and play "Kool & the Gang" as we left the store.

"Did you find everything alright?" asked Laverne.

"Um, you don't sell wine, do you?  Because I think I need it."


Jen Hembree Co-Founded HaHas for HooHas.
Learn more about Jen in the About Us.