Signs of the Midlife Crisis

There are a few advantages to getting older. Wisdom, maturity, confidence…blah blah blah. But I think we’d all agree, that as whole, the aging process kinda sucks for women big time.
I’m pushing 44. I’m a mom of 4 kids, 2 of which are married, and my 2nd grandchild is due in January. On most days, I feel every bit my age, but I have no immediate plans to start acting like it. I’m pretty sure I’m either on the verge of a midlife crisis or deep in the throes of one. So for those who don't yet know what to expect, let me give you some signs of the midlife...and the subsequent crisis...
*Not even a Victoria Secret push-up bra is strong enough to keep your nipples facing up.
*Plucking stray boob hairs becomes a thing.
*The hair on your head turns grey.
*The hair on your upper lip turns a shade of shockingly dark black.
*You excuse yourself from any conversation and head straight to a bathroom at the slightest feel of a chin whisker.
*You never leave home without tweezers.
*Holding your tongue gets a little easier.
*Holding your pee, nearly impossible.
*One of your biggest life regrets is that you didn’t kegal more.
*A late period can either mean pregnancy or menopause...and you always hope it's the menopause.
*You choose the leopard print Jamberry nails for your best friend to apply to your toenails…then she reminds you it’s time to shave your big toe again.
*Your earrings get bigger.
*Your bikini tops get smaller.
*It’s super blond. Or super brunette. Super long. Or super short. But your hair is always super somethin.
*You start to wear the protective goggles in the tanning bed.
*You’re one of the few who still has a tanning bed.
*You either have or know of a plastic surgeon.
*The con of not being able to move the skin on your forehead begins to outweigh the pro of having a smooth forehead.
*Pitbull songs are blaring from your mini-van windows in the parent pick up line at school.
*You’re well known for your hot pink zebra striped yoga pants.
*After one Zumba class, you’re pretty sure you’re qualified to go clubbing.
*You find any excuse to say the word clubbing.
*You learn gangsta slang, and use it whenever possible.
Which brings me to this. The aging thing is a battle I know I’ll lose…but I’m keepin it real and goin down fightin like a mofo so don’t be gettin all up in my grill, aight?
Peace out.