Pictured above: Tommy Schultz, child incapable of asking his father for juice in his Avengers cup.
NEW YORK, NY -
Social Scientists at Columbia University have attempted to tackle a strange, yet common behavior among most children - the inability to ask their father a question or ask for a favor. Instead, studies show children only approach their mother, often when the father is doing nothing of importance (i.e. watching a football game or playing Clash of Clans on his phone) and the mother is occupied (i.e. taking a shower or pooping).
“This phenomena is nothing new,” said Dr. Lorraine Sherman. “We’ve seen evidence of this from ancient Egyptian artwork where a mother is busy preparing dinner over a fire crowded by her children who appear to be begging her for something, while the man is off to the side sitting down and relaxing.”
Dr. Sherman decided to study this behavior to gain more insight into why children are incapable of asking their father for simple favors, like getting them a glass of water or wiping their butt. Her team followed 30 families for the span of 10 years to study the children’s request behavior.
“There’s no doubt the data has confirmed our assumptions,” said Dr. Sherman. “In some cases the children even called their mom at work asking her to get them a snack while the dad is right next to them reading an ESPN article on their phone. It’s truly fascinating.”
One of the participants, Sherry Schultz, 34 mother of three, said they didn’t need a study to confirm the obvious. “My children have opened the shower door while I’m mid-shave asking for snacks or if I can put on their favorite movie. Every time I ask, ‘Where’s your father?’ and they say, ‘Sitting on the couch doing nothing, why?’” said Schultz. “So I shout, ‘Go ask him, I’m naked and shaving!’ It’s bizarre and annoying as hell.”
Shultz’s husband Gary said he’s equally baffled and resents any suspicions he has anything to do with it. “I’d get my kids a snack if they asked! They never ask!”
Dr. Sherman said although the study confirmed the behavior, the data did not present any clear indicators as to why children are incapable of asking their father while he’s literally doing nothing and the mother has her hands in the meatloaf. “We hoped a pattern would emerge that would give us indicators as to why it never crosses their mind to ask their father, but we were disappointed to discover it still remains a mystery.”
Shultz said she’s also disappointed in the findings. “I hoped we’d have some answers by now, because it’s beyond obnoxious,” she told us right before her phone rang. “Oh, hold on a minute - let me get this. Hello? Yes Tommy, mommy is being interviewed. What’s going on? No, I'm not home right now to give you juice in your Avengers cup, where’s your father? Well ask him to get it! Tommy, that’s enough, I’m not even home, go ask your father. Well, that’s not my problem. Tommy, that’s enough - I’m hanging up now okay? Tommy! I said that’s enough! I’m going now - bye bye! Ok, sorry - what was I saying?”
Dr. Sherman said she and her colleagues won’t give up just yet. “I refuse to give up on this. Mothers everywhere aren't even pooping in peace, a fundamental right for all humans. I won’t stop until we have answers.”
This post is satire. Please don't email Columbia University asking for a Dr. Sherman - it will make us all look bad.