Riots, Uprisings in the Back-To-School Aisle during Tax-Free Weekend

Humid, TX-

Crowds swarmed a local Target to take advantage of tax-free school supply purchases this weekend. However, the joy of saving 5-10% on crayons and calculators was short lived when a riot broke out on the back-to-school aisle.

Minnie Wilson, 34, an employee at the Target on Bulls Eye Lane, was a witness to the uprisings on Saturday afternoon.

“I noticed a woman with plaid and polka dot Jamberry nails suddenly gouge another woman in the eyes when she picked up the last orange folder with prongs. She shouted that school was starting in two days and her daughter had to have an orange folder with prongs!” Wilson said. “Another woman came to the defense of the blind one, who was leaning against a stack of lunch boxes writhing in pain, and she started hitting the Jamberry [lady] with her Vera Bradley satchel. One thing just led to another.”

Calls began flooding Longhorn County dispatch at around 1:40 PM on Saturday. Distraught callers claimed there was a brawl in the school supplies section and things were rapidly getting out of hand. Deputies were on the scene within 1 hour and 45 minutes.

Officer Gaylord Schmidt says he’s never seen anything like it in his 22 years on the force.

“I’ve seen a lot of violence in my day, but I’ve never seen so many women pounding the crap out of one another over backpacks and bottles of glue,” said Schmidt. “It was like a Looney Tunes fight- just a cloud with the occasional jewelry-adorned fist and package of notecards or No. 2 pencils flying out of it. One woman had her nose pinched between the 3 inch rings of a Trapper Keeper!”

When local authorities deemed the situation to be out of their control, SWAT was called in. A smoke grenade was thrown into the crowd of highlighted bobs, Isaac Mizrahi sunglasses and Yellow Box flip-flops, but it did not deter the ladies.

One witness, who wishes to remain anonymous, said she heard someone call out, “You can smoke us out, Copper, but you’ll still have to pry this ruler from my cold, dead hands.”

Although the smoke grenades were futile, the crowd finally dispersed when brute force was used, including K9 units, tasers and playing Kidz Bop 42 on repeat.

When the smoke finally cleared and the majority of mothers were loaded into a paddy wagon, there was nothing left on the aisle but torn wide-ruled notebook paper and a lone woman lying in the fetal position, mumbling incoherently and clutching a White-Out pen.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Wilson. “The worst part is I was planning on buying my children’s back-to-school supplies after my shift. Now there’s nothing left but rubble and broken crayons.”

Due to this incident, Target on Bulls Eye Lane has no plans to ever participate in tax-free weekend again.