Reasons You can Shove your Elf on the Shelf Where the Sun Don't Shine

'Tis the season. You know, the one where you wake up every morning to discover your Facebook news feed inundated with pictures of what those damn elves on shelves have been up to the previous night and you curse their existence…or is that just me? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for lying to our kids in the name of whimsical Christmas fun, but here’s why I will not be joining you in your elf adventures. 
 
You managed to remember where you stored the little 8 inch bugger all year. Kudos. I’m currently still searching for our 10 foot artificial Christmas tree we bought on clearance last January.
 
While you’re waiting for your kid to fall asleep so you can set up the little scene every night, I’ve had sex with my husband and am well on my way into the 2nd stage of the REM cycle.
Don’t hate. We all have choices.
 
Your daily elf pictures make me feel like a sub-par mom and that’s not cool. I made my kid breakfast this morning. You don’t see me braggin’.
 
I don’t need one more thing to keep out of the dog’s mouth.
 
You have some spare time to make unnecessary messes so that you can clean them back up again? Awesome. I’m kinda busy keepin’ tiny humans alive over here.
 
His toilet paper antics are tiresome. Pose that thing splayed in a mouse trap with some creatively splattered salsa and you’ll have my full attention.
 
Like I'm gonna purposefully give my kids some bonus ideas on how to be destructive. Right.
 
I’d rather not wake up in a panic because I forgot to make it look like “Buddy” crapped Hershey Kisses all over the kitchen table. My bladder causes me enough nighttime drama, thanks.
 
I’m still dealing with the aftermath of our 8 year-old’s insensitive classmates blowing open the whole tooth fairy charade. Don’t think for a minute those little punks wouldn’t ruin our elf fun the first chance they got.
 
I feel like one elaborate lie to our children per holiday is plenty. I’d rather use mine on a giant hairy stranger from the North Pole squeezing his ass down our chimney while we sleep than an ornery stuffed animal who reeks mischievous havoc on our home every night.
 
Either way…sweet dreams, kiddos.