Pregnant Women Drinking Water Linked to Children Becoming “Little Sh*ts” at 3-Years-Old

A recent British study is reporting naughty behavioral problems in 3 year olds born to women who drank water during pregnancy. Steve Swan and Dave George at Oxford University published it Monday in JAMA Pediatrics. They studied about 10,000 women and their children over the course of 4 years.

“We are finally getting a glimpse into the cause of the Terrifying Threes. Out of our 10,000 participants, over 9,000 reported that their children turned into 'naughty little shits' at the age of three,” Swan said. “When laboriously pouring over the data we found one common link between all of the women— they all drank clean, cold, refreshing water.”

“Finally it makes sense,” said Linda Muller, 30 and mother of 2. “When my kids get around 3 years old, they suddenly become opinionated, willful and more stubborn. I’ve always wondered, is there something I’ve done to cause this? Now I know— I drank water with each of them. Oh god, it's all my fault!”

This resent study comes on the heels of another study from the University of Bristol which found a possible link between Tylenol use during pregnancy and behavioral issues in children later in life. This is a frightening finding considering Tylenol is the one painkiller that has been deemed safe for pregnant women to use. However, NPR’s Richard Harris noted, “The researchers didn't ask women how much of the drug they took, and they didn't ask why they took it. The women who took acetaminophen were somewhat more likely to report that they smoked during their pregnancies, that they drank alcohol and that they suffered from psychiatric illness. When the researchers mathematically factored out those confounding observations, the effect disappeared entirely for some subgroups and was diminished in the others.” 

In other words, the study is terrible and everyone reporting it as fact is being irresponsible, but we should all freak the hell out anyway because we’re doomed.

In light of these new studies, Dr. Robert Stalling recommends that all pregnant women be aware that pretty much everything they ingest can possibly cause life long horrifying damage to themselves and their children. “I don’t know what else to say other than good luck, pregnant ladies,” said Stalling.

Good luck, indeed.

 

This article is satire. Except for the Tylenol study, sadly that was real, but read the NPR article before panicking, I highly recommend it.