I don't want to seem like an ungrateful gift receiver, I just want to give a friendly heads up. Please don't give me these things for Valentine's Day. Thank you in advance.
A teddy bear bigger than Shaquille O’Nealimage via Vermont Teddy Bear
I admit, there was a time in my life when receiving a teddy bear that could easily take half the space in my bedroom would have been an incredible gift. And then I became an adult.
Where am I supposed to put it? On the couch in the family room? Where is my family supposed to sit? Should I put it on top of my bed so its large mass can cover up my beautiful Pottery Barn duvet I proudly bought on clearance? I can’t think of a single home designer who would recommend putting a stuffed animal bigger than a human body on your bed to just lie there like a bear corpse. I’d just eventually throw it in the basement and become deeply resentful it just took up all my storage space.
The commercial for this bear also implies a man is sure to get “lucky” if he gives his significant other this adorable, furniture sized stuffed animal. I’m just going to say it: inconveniently large bears don’t make me horny. Let’s put aside the degrading assumption women exchange sex for gifts like prostitutes, but if I am going to exchange sex for a gift like a prostitute, it will be a diamond that makes my neck or finger sore from carrying it around all day. Otherwise, you know, I’ll just be with my husband because you know, he’s my husband and I love him.
Point being - please don’t buy me this.
Cantaloupe on sticks
image via Edible Arrangements
If I wanted a piece of cantaloupe, I would have just bought myself some when I was at the grocery store yesterday. Is this really considered a good gift for a lover? A piece of pineapple made to look like a flower? Valentine’s Day is the one day a woman can eat an entire box of chocolates guilt free, why would you ruin it with a bouquet of melons?
Listen, I don’t have anything against fruit. I love fruit. My refrigerator is filled with fruit. That’s why I don’t need a bouquet of fruit on my counter, you know? I’m not trying to hurt anybody, I’m just trying to keep it real.
Bisous - image via
This is a real thing, people. I can’t add commentary to this, I’m too busy crying for humanity.
Here’s the thing about this gift - it’s more for the giver than for the recipient, amirite? Besides, the amount of risk involved for a man can’t be worth it. Buy it too small and find out nothing sucks the sexy out of a room faster than a woman busting the strings off a corset. Trust me, I know from experience. Buy it too big and as the delicate lace panties droop in the butt, I’ll wonder how big you think my ass actually is.
No, no. I’ll buy my own sexy attire so I can try the items on first, stressed out all hot and sweaty in the dressing room, cursing the burger I ate for lunch. The way it should be, fellas.
image via pajama gram
What’s the deal with pajama onesies for adults? Does no one sweat when covered from head to toe in cheap fleece anymore?
Also, can mothers get away with wearing one of these in the house? If I’m sure of anything, I’m sure of this - it’s nearly impossible to respect someone’s authority when they are A) wearing an adult onesie or B) have a bad case of the hiccups. I’m no child behavior expert, but if your child is acting a fool - I just recommend getting out of the pajama onesie first before laying down the law. And if you have the hiccups, wait until they subside. Trust me on this.
I can’t speak for all women, but when it comes to my Valentine’s Day, I just want to keep it simple. Take me out to dinner and let’s drink a little too much wine. After some newborn free one on one time in the bedroom, let’s eat a box of non-butthole shaped chocolates while binge watching a new series on Netflix. Sound good? Good. Happy Valentine’s Day!