The official definition of Resting Bitch Face…or RBF: A facial expression (or lack thereof) which unintentionally appears angry, annoyed, or irritated.
I’ve got a pretty notorious RBF, which I developed long before the initials RBF became a thing. The difference is, my appearance of anger, annoyance, and/or irritation are most often not by accident, but rather quite intentional.
Anything can trigger it. A thing. A voice. PMS. Whatever. But mostly specific situations…and always involving various types of people.
If you know me well, you’ve witnessed it.
And if you’re on this list, you’ve been on the receiving end of it.
Kids in a Gynecologist’s waiting room
If my doctor ever puts a corner of toys in his waiting room, I’m out. The last thing I want is a bunch of chaos while I’m waiting to be violated by a giant q-tip.
Anyone who interrupts a conversation
…or worse, lets their kids. Here’s a tip for all ages: If someone is talking, wait your turn. And kindly stay out of earshot in the meantime. Eavesdropping jumps to an automatic throat punch.
Loud talkers, constant talkers, close talkers, touchers, feelers, huggers, kissers…RBF, comin’ your way, and quite possibly a strong arm.
Rude phone talkers
Putting someone on hold to take another call, holding multiple conversations, talking loudly on your cell in public…Manners are nice. Know what’s even nicer? Texting.
Anyone who comes to my house unannounced
Census Bureau workers, guys selling meat out of the back of a pick-up truck, extended family…you know, anyone.
People who sit right beside you when there are other options
An empty movie theater, a restaurant, an airport terminal, a doctor’s office waiting room, a park bench...let’s go ahead and assume this seat next to me is taken.
They arrive an hour early, start snacking on the food, talk politics, “help” their kid get the most eggs at the Easter egg hunt, hijack your Thanksgiving turkey so they can brine it first…trust me, I’ve seen it all.
Anyone who tries to sell me anything
DON’T. DON’T. Just, DON’T.
When someone asks for a bite of something on my plate
Unless you’re my child…and under the age of 10.
People who mow before 9am on a weekend
This will reward you my RBF and the finger. Lucky you.
Sometimes my husband
Nothing personal here. Honestly, anyone who, let’s say, repeatedly asks me how many R’s are in the word moron, or jumps in and answers the sales girl at Victoria's Secret when she asks me my cup size, or replies, “Sensual”, when asked to describe their spouse in one word…by our associate minister…during a group bible study…
See? All’s fair in love and bitch face.