Peeing While On Hold

It happened so fast I can barely remember the details. All I know for sure is my life flashed before my eyes and, for a minute , I was suddenly aware that I consume way too much salt.

It all started when I needed to schedule an appointment for my daughter. I waited to make the call until the baby was down for a nap and the older girls were entertained with a riveting episode of Daniel Tiger. After pressing 1 for English a robotic voice told me that they were experiencing a high call volume and I would have to wait my turn. So I did.

I plugged in my hands-free headset (the kind with a cord, because I have no intention of getting cancer) and starting washing dishes while listening to Yanni and Michael Bolton get their grooves on. All was well with the world until my all-too-weak bladder starting responding to the sound of the water -- and she and I both know that once nature calls, I have precious little time before a small cough or sneeze will release the floodgates. And, yes, I refer to my bladder as a “she.” We’ve been through a lot together.

Robotic voice: “Thank you for waiting. Your call is very important to us but not enough that we won’t keep you on hold for another  fifteen minutes.”

Me: “Fifteen minutes?! Ugh. I have to pee and I can’t hold it for that long.  I’ll just hurry up and pee now while I’m on hold.” (In case you’re wondering, yes, I said all of this out loud to myself. This is a fairly normal occurrence at my house so my girls didn’t even look up from their cheesesticks.)

Strategically placing my phone on the window sill (the headphones are still in my ear) I quickly set about to do my business. I was just unclenching when this happened:

Non-robotic voice: “Hi, this is Dan. Can I have your name please?”

*clenching to stop the stream*

Me: “Oh! Uh...wow! That was fast! The robot told me fifteen minutes.”

Dan: “Name please.”

Me: “Okay...it’s Sara. I’m calling to schedule an appointment for my daughter.”

By now I’m doing the world’s longest kegel and am considering recording this so I have some proof for the Guinness Book of World Records -- but I barely have time to think about this before my kegel dam failed me and the river started to flow. Darn you, weak vagina muscles!

Me: “Sorry about the background noise. I’m...washing dishes.”

Dan: “No problem, ma’am. Now when do you want to have your daughter come in?”

Me: “Oh, hang on. I’m looking at my calendar now.”  

*frantically grabbing at the toilet paper, hoping to God it sounds like calendar pages turning*

Daughter: “Mom? What are you doing?”

*trying to pull up my pants*

Me: “Ugh, nothing! Go on out and I’ll be right there.”

Daughter: “Are you going potty?”

Dan: *chuckle*

Me: “No. Now go.”

*zips up jeans*

Dan: *chuckle*

Me: “Dan, how does the 3rd sound? Say, 2pm?”

Dan: *chuckle* “Yes, I can do that.” *chuckle*

Daughter: “Are you done? I’ll flush!!!”

*FLUSH*

Me: “Nooooooo!”

Dan: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Me: “Dan, I’m gonna have to call you back.”

Dan: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Me: “Shut up, Dan.”

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