Hi! I can't come to the phone right now so please choose from one of the following options...
For an alphabetical list of toys my kids have fought over today, press 1.
If you are a neighbor inquiring about the naked toddler frolicking joyfully in my front yard, press 2. If aforementioned toddler is peeing in your flower bed, press # for immediate assistance.
To invite one or all of my kids over for a playdate at your house, press 3. Also, God bless you.
For a looped recording of my kids singing Let It Go seventeen times while the dog barks in the background, press 4.
To invite me and my husband to an adults-only dinner party that we will be unable to attend because we couldn't find a sitter, press 5.
If you want to know the names and personality traits of every Ninja Turtle and My Little Pony, press 6.
If you are a girlfriend calling to invite me to a Mom's Night Out, send a smoke signal. I'll be there just as soon as I put the kids to bed, take a shower, find an outfit that doesn't have an elastic waistband, and locate my going-out heels that I haven't worn in seven years.