OPEEn Letter to My Husband

Did you read my post about my most embarrassing moment? If not, you need to go here before you go any further.

It's okay. I will wait.

Hummm. Hum. Hum-de-hum.

I was humming while I waited.

Last night, my husband was absolutely infuriated that I shared something as morbidly disgusting as peeing in a pool. In so many words, he viewed this as bringing some sort of shame upon our entire family.

"How could you share something like that on the internet? Everyone we know reads your stuff! It's disgusting. And I am embarrassed for me AND you."

Well, it was supposed to be my most embarrassing moment, wasn't it?

I am not quite sure what my husband thinks is going to happen as a result of that post. Are the friends and neighbors going to shun us from their homes, their pools, with the preconceived notion that I am going to crack one off in the deep end? Are whispers going to follow him down the halls at work?

"Ugh, his wife pees in pools. We need to remove that family from the invite list of all social functions. Animals."

At this point, if everyone we know reads my words, my peeing in a pool is the least of our worries. He should be more concerned that people find me borderline mentally insane.

I understand that it is gross. But, I have to redeem myself here.

I do not, DO NOT, make a habit of urinating in water. I was in an Olympic sized swimming pool, and I had isolated myself in a corner, away from the crowd. It wasn't as if I had urinated in a small hot tub full of geriatrics. And it wasn't like the Baby Ruth scene from Caddyshack where *everyone* vacated the pool. I just peed. A little. It wasn't even a complete emptying of my bladder.

The thought of me or my kids swimming in another person's urine does in deed make me vomit in my mouth a little. But, I assure you my pee is sterile. And that pool had enough salt water in it to kill a slug the size of a skyscraper.

BUT..where were you, sweetheart, when I was juggling two kids and clenching my bladder? If you'd been there with me instead of gallivanting around on the golf cart drinking a beer, then we wouldn't even be in this situation, now would we?

But, nevertheless, I want to apologize to him. I want to ask my husband, publicly, to forgive me for bringing such shame upon our entire family. Forgive me, honey, if we are now the laughing stock of our community. Forgive me if you are going to have to quit your job and relocate us all to Eerie, Indiana because I peed a little in a public pool.

Really, sincerely, forgive me.

And while you are forgiving me, please remember that you've been known to kill a 6 pack and relieve yourself in some weird places. But I will stop at that, because I have brought enough humiliation on this family as it is.

PS- Since I do not want this peeing in the pool thing to give me a gross reputation, I have to say that I am a clean person. I shower daily. Sometimes twice. I keep Clorox in business with the bulk buying of bleach and disinfecting wipes. My house is spotless. I wash my hands 4,235 times an hour. Germs are my enemy. I wash my children's hands 4,235 times every half hour. I keep hand sanitizer on me at all times. I wear a whole lot of deodorant. I brush my teeth 3 times a day. And gargle. I could quite possibly be the cleanest person on earth.

But, yes, I peed in a pool. Once. A little.