Stories

Read some funny stories from some funny women...

Conversations with My Husband: Lost (Yo Mind!) & Found

Husband:  Where's that piece of paper?

Me:  Uhhhhhhhh, what?

Husband:  The piece of paper on the kitchen counter, where is it?

Me:  I don't know what you're talking about.  When did you put it there?

Conversations with My Husband: Too Tight Tights

Me:  Awwww yeah babe! *bursts through door*  I got my running suit on!  I'm like a stealth ninja, son!

Husband:  More like a camel toe ninja ...

Me:  *looks down*  What?  I don't have camel toe ... Oh, I see what you're saying ...

Conversations with My Husband: Man Pits

Husband: Why am I watching a woman with hairy armpits say things that don’t make sense?

Me: I don’t know what’s going on with this show. I’m not really watching it.

Husband: I’m sorry, but nothing is more unattractive on a woman than hairy armpits.

Let's Get Dinner Before You Go Downtown On My Julie Brown

We planned this trip to the Dominican, and my friend suggested I get a bikini wax.  I told her that it sounded absolutely horrible, but went ahead with it anyway.

So I buy this Groupon for a freakishly cheap $15 bikini wax and thought I'd give it a whirl.  I go in and make my appointment, and they tell me, "Check out all of our packages, so you can come back all the time!"  I replied, "I don't think this is something that I'm going to enjoy so let's just stick to this one."

I nervously waited to get called back and this lady comes and takes me to a room.  The first thing she says is, "Okay, take your pants off."  Startled, I said, "I'm sorry, what was your name?  Didn't you want to have dinner first?  No?  Okay."  I take my pants off and she says, "Hop up on the table."  So I oblige.  Then she tells me, "Put your feet together like this and spread 'em."  I look at her funny and then start to sweat and hyperventilate a little.

She instructs me to lean back and I think to myself of how uncomfortable this is.  With my feet together and my knees out, I sweat even more.  When I get uncomfortable, I make really terrible jokes and make awkward conversation.

She asks me, "So, hows your job?"  I tell her, "This is really uncomfortable!" and she replies, "Oh, it'll be okay."  If she only knew...

The lady starts prepping the black tar wax.  This is more awkward than the gyno, mind you as I still have my pants off and legs ready to go.

So I'm sweating, telling her, "It's hot in here.  Can we turn the air on?!"  She assures me that I'll be okay.

I'm anticipating the wax and making this awkward laughing sound.  She's all downtown with the black tar and then rips my flesh off.

I yell, "Oh my God!  Oh my God!" and start inhaling and exhaling loudly like I'm doing Lamaze.

Conversations with My Husband: Farting Rules

Me:   We need to readdress our rules for farting in front of each other.   At the end of the day, I still need to find you attractive.

Husband:   Oh yeah?  This coming from the girl who laughed last time.

Turns Out, the Whore Wasn't Included

Turns Out the Whore Wasn't Included via @hahasforhoohas

Enunciation is important. Very important. Let me bring you back to that fateful day my friends, the day my lack of enunciation changed a cab ride. Forever. And ever and ever.

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