Every time I sneeze, I pee.
Every time laugh, I pee.
Every time I stand up, I pee.
Sometimes it's just a little little -- sometimes it’s more than I care to admit. Basically, it's like my downstairs parts are an open, saggy cavern with no hope of ever closing up. Not sexy.
My body doesn't work like it used to. I've had three kids and things hang a lot lower and are a lot weaker than they were before. This is probably less from having babies and more from not exercising and enjoying a nice bowl of peanut m&ms on a daily basis, but whatev.
Back to my lady bits.
Kegels are hard, you guys. I mean, doing ONE isn't that difficult -- maybe even two or three -- but continuing to do them for a long period of time is a lot harder than it sounds.
Unlike some of you, I cannot do them inconspicuously. I have a very noticeable kegel face. I don't understand how women can walk around with a nonchalant grin on their face and cheerfully say, "I'm doing it now.” This is what I look like when I try to smile whilst kegeling:
Before you start judging me, ladies, take a minute and review the faces we all make when trying to strengthen our pelvic floor. Let’s take a gander, shall we?
I like to call this person the “Kegel Virgin.” Basically, she’s a young, inexperienced kegeler unsure of where exactly her vagina muscles are located. Moving your mouth won’t help, sweetie.
This next lady is much more subtle and even a little sexy. I call you the "Pro Kegeler." You’re daring, ballsy, and practice your kegels out in public and even while in the middle of a deep conversation. And no one can tell you are tightening and releasing your girly parts in a steady rhythm. Well, barely.
You are religious about your pelvic exercises. Your 1000-kegels-a-day routine has paid off and now you spend your free time speaking at women’s conferences and Origami Owl parties, focusing on spreading the importance of a tight ya-ya. You are the "Vagilante." You will kegel until the day you die. And then some.
Your face is tight, eyes wide, and you’re focusing on a spot on the floor. You even have a little twitch that's becoming more noticeable and making people stare. Yet you stay focused, intent on having better sex and not wetting yourself every time someone says something remotely humorous. You are the “Focused Kegeler.”
You’re proper, discreet, and always aware of your surroundings. But, alas, you make eye contact with someone just as your vagina elevator is going up, up, up -- so you do the smart thing and play it off like you smell something weird and aren’t focusing on making sure your vagina elevator descends slooooowly. I call you the “Downton Abbey Kegeler.”
And if you ever happen to notice someone making her kegel face while out in public, you will probably instinctively respond with an “Ewww! Kegel much?” expression. And if that ever happens, let me just tell you to watch your back. Because Karma’s a bitch and even she has to wear panty-liners at all times.
Kegel on, ladies.
Images via giphy.com