Liquid Hell

Oct
22

Posted in:

Conversation with my Hubby... about changing our 2 year old son's diaper.

Me: What is that smell?!

Hubby: What? (inhales deeply) I don't smell... *gags* *gutteral growls/extreme distaste noises mixed with dramatic eye rolling and facial contortions*

Me: You're ridiculous. (eye roll)

Hubby: It smells like a dead animal! *more drama and noises*

Me: Well, I am nursing the baby so you're going to have to change him before this turns into a Fear Factor experience.

Hubby: Can't it wait till your done? I mean I just changed his last diaper bomb, it's your turn... a man's stomach can only take so much...

Me: *glares with that you're a sissy and you better do it or else... look*

Hubby: Okay! *gets up from his nap position.

Me: Put his shorts back on the right way this time, I don't like having to explain to people why our child has shorts inside out and backwards on all the time.

Hubby: I always put them on the right way!

Me: If Saint Peter's test for people to enter into the pearly gates of heaven was to snap a onesie on a baby and put its shorts on right... you'd go straight to hell... every time.

Hubby: You're ridiculous! *grunts with irritation as he sizes up our son's outfit*

Me: It's not an IQ test for NASA you know, I mean who can't line up some snaps and find a tag in some shorts?

Hubby: (Ignores me and chases and catches our son) He stinks!

*Puts him on change table and peels pants off*

*Violent gagging and gasping*

Hubby: Oh my!!! What did you FEED him!? Oh Father, have mercy!!! It's all over his legs!!! It's liquid hell!! *gags some more*

Me: Oh come on...

Hubby: Come over here and smell it! See how you can choke it!

Me: I can smell it fine from here...

Hubby: Mercy! Why!? *eyes water*

Me: (Not amused and slightly bored look)

Hubby: I need your help. It's going to get all over him if I pull his onesie off over his head...

Me: Not if you pull it out from his body and shield him with your hand, you have to wash your hands anyhow...

Hubby: Look at his legs and feet! It's even between his toes! It's squishing between his toes!!!

Me: Great, that means when you chased him he tracked it all over the carpet in the hall and living room... just great!

Hubby: How was I to know it was gushing down his legs!?

Me: He will need a shower by the looks of it...

Hubby: *Cries out with horror* It's ON MY FINGER!!!! WIPE!! WIPE!!! I NEED A WIPE!!!

Hubby: (Frantically rips wipes out of container and scrubs hands) This can't be for real! This isn't happening to me...

Me: (Between hoots of laughter) Ohhh... trust me... it's for real!!!

Hubby: (Carefully lays diaper in diaper pail when a blast of diaper pail smells hits him in the face) *gags violently and chokes like he ate dry corn bread*

Hubby: What am I going to do with him now, he stinks bad even though I wiped him down... it's like it's in his skin that smell...

Me: WATCH OUT!!!

*SPLAT!!!!!!*

Hubby: He kicked the diaper off! It landed liquid hell side down!! On the carpet!! It's on the wall too!

Me: ...... *Rolls eyes to heaven* "Lord have Mercyyyyy! Lord have mercy!!!" Next time... you nurse her and I will change the diaper so I don't have to do damage contol every time!!!

Lindsay Madison age 25 currently lives in Tennessee. She lives with and cares for her 93 year old grandmother and has 2 children under the age of 2 and studies wilderness survival, edible and medicinal wild plants, orangic gardening and living, nurtrition, and the Bible.