Let's Get Dinner Before You Go Downtown On My Julie Brown

We planned this trip to the Dominican, and my friend suggested I get a bikini wax.  I told her that it sounded absolutely horrible, but went ahead with it anyway.

So I buy this Groupon for a freakishly cheap $15 bikini wax and thought I'd give it a whirl.  I go in and make my appointment, and they tell me, "Check out all of our packages, so you can come back all the time!"  I replied, "I don't think this is something that I'm going to enjoy so let's just stick to this one."

I nervously waited to get called back and this lady comes and takes me to a room.  The first thing she says is, "Okay, take your pants off."  Startled, I said, "I'm sorry, what was your name?  Didn't you want to have dinner first?  No?  Okay."  I take my pants off and she says, "Hop up on the table."  So I oblige.  Then she tells me, "Put your feet together like this and spread 'em."  I look at her funny and then start to sweat and hyperventilate a little.

She instructs me to lean back and I think to myself of how uncomfortable this is.  With my feet together and my knees out, I sweat even more.  When I get uncomfortable, I make really terrible jokes and make awkward conversation.

She asks me, "So, hows your job?"  I tell her, "This is really uncomfortable!" and she replies, "Oh, it'll be okay."  If she only knew...

The lady starts prepping the black tar wax.  This is more awkward than the gyno, mind you as I still have my pants off and legs ready to go.

So I'm sweating, telling her, "It's hot in here.  Can we turn the air on?!"  She assures me that I'll be okay.

I'm anticipating the wax and making this awkward laughing sound.  She's all downtown with the black tar and then rips my flesh off.

I yell, "Oh my God!  Oh my God!" and start inhaling and exhaling loudly like I'm doing Lamaze.

At this point, I'm sweating profusely, and laughing hysterically, because I can't cry during this.  She's laughing too.  And ripping and laughing.

Then she puts more wax on and rips.  I snapped my legs together and caught her arm between. She told me, "You have GOT to relax."  I told her, "Okay, I'm gonna be cool about it."

I lay back down and repeat the leg snapping.  She asks me if I want to continue and I tell her to just leave the rest, it'll be fine.  The lady tells me, "You did get the FULL Brazilian, so did you want the butt wax?"  I tell her, "Well, we can't get anymore awkward than we are right now.  Might as well."

I was wrong, it got a lot more awkward.

She had me roll back onto my back in a ball and told me to pull my butt cheeks apart. But, as awkward as it was, I would do that over the Brazilian ANY day.

Finally it was done and I felt horrible.  And awkward.  And violated.  And in excruciating pain.   The waxer proceeds to ask me, "So, did you want to sign up for the year long membership?"  I looked at her in amazement and said, "When would I ever want that done again?!  NO."

By the way, I told this story while getting a tattoo, telling my tattoo artist, Carl, that it hurts less to get a tattoo than to get a Brazilian Bikini wax.

~Submitted by Carley