Self, let’s be real. You’re so motivated right now. You think you’re going to get ahead of the parenting game; be the quintessential PTA mom for the upcoming school year. But I’m here to tell you, it ain’t gonna happen. Not even a little.
Sure, you’ll start the school year off with a zest for color coding and organizing everything for the kids (Washi tape and personalized labels! Yay!). You’ll want to make Bento Boxes. You might even try to volunteer.
Slow down, Speedy. We know you won’t keep it up. Accept and embrace the mediocrity. It’s OK.
Feel better now? No? Well, let me tell you this:
Your kids will ask for those stupid peanut butter and jelly sandwiches no matter how many animal shaped bread blobs you try to form. Remember that sad bologna horse?
It’s OK that you forgot to iron your son’s school shirts. That’s why they have sweaters. No 2nd grader ever cared about their pressed collars, unless there’s a giant booger attached to it. – and even then, they’d want to wear that junk around like a parrot on a pirate shoulder.
Your daughter will most likely get naked at some point in the school year. She’s never been in a school setting before. She hates pants. (Like mother like daughter.)
You might as well stock up on bulk boxes of crayons, glue sticks, and pencils now. There’s a reason you have a Prime Membership. Your kids will loose them all by the end of the first week of school. You know this. That washi tape and labels we talked about? They’re going to be hijacked by the preschooler one night and you’ll find them taped to the hallway wall at 4 AM. For real, you still haven’t removed the piece of loose leaf paper at the top of the steps. It’s been taped there for months.
About that volunteering? We all know that you suffer from severe anxiety attacks and a general dislike of anything with a heartbeat. Maybe do it in small doses. It might not be your thing, but it does make the kids happy.
Just don’t over do it. We all know how you make an idiot out of yourself and lack the control to curb your sailor mouth in public. 30 second graders and preschooler parents will blame you for teaching them phases that would make Andrew Dice Clay blush with embarrassment. It’s not funny…to them at least.
Just try your best not to lose all the paperwork that comes home. Please! For the love of God, keep track of the f*%&ing papers. And if you can, make sure to suck up to the teacher this year. Maybe she’ll take pity on you and your ability to lose everything you touch. – Remember that time you lost your kid for 20 minutes and she was standing NEXT to you? Yeah, you’re that forgetful.
Breathe. You’ve got both kids in school this year. You’ll swear up and down to everyone that you’re fine and loving the peace and quiet, but the truth is, you'll miss them. You will sit around that first day and wonder what they’re up to. Are they enjoying their first day? Is the little one making friends? How is she handling her very first day of school – ever????
Take that big breath in and let it out. She might have a rough start – she might not. But she’ll get used to it. You need to get used to it. By the end of the school year, no matter how far away that seems, things will be great and she’ll be fine. You will be fine.
You don’t need to be everything. Sometimes you need that reminder. You will kick butt and bake 60 dozen cupcakes the night before a bake sale, but don’t beat yourself up because you dropped them off wearing garden gnome pajama pants and sequined slippers.
You’ll get stuff done, even if it’s not pretty.