TARRYTOWN, NY -
Leaked emails reveal leading feminine itch cream companies and possibly Big Pharma, are funding the manufacturing and marketing of high waist ultra short demin jean shorts, known most commonly by its street name - camel toe butt cheek shorts of doom. The FBI is currently investigating the legitimacy of the emails.
Tina McIntire, social activist for the safety and proper treatment of women’s privates, is leading the charge in making the leak public. “Someone has to be an advocate for our lower butt cheeks and vaginas, and damn it, if it has to be me - so be it.”
McIntire says the leak reveals a troubling truth she feared for some time. “When I first started noticing high waist camel toe jeans were making a comeback, I was alarmed. I was just getting used to skinny jeans making my lower half look like a giant triangle, the last thing we need are $200 mom jeans emerging back in to the marketplace. But then I noticed something startling - the shorts only had enough denim to cover our waist, leaving our lower butt cheeks and vaginas exposed and vulnerable. There had to be explanation other than a new fashion trend.”
Turns out, there was. The leaked emails revealed top executives of leading feminine itch and yeast infection manufacturers paying designers, retailers and Kylie Jenner, to manufacture, distribute and market the jeans to the tune of over 200 million dollars. In one particular email from a top marketing manager at Monistat 30, the plan was dubbed “The Rashy Crotch Project.”
The email reads:
“We are investing a large sum of money in to The Rashy Crotch Project in an effort to not only increase the sales of our feminine itch and yeast infection products, but to make our products a necessary and essential companion to this emerging fashion trend - and we're succeeding. The more women we can brainwash into thinking shorts that lodge up their butt cracks exposing their butt cheeks and possibly even vagina is cute, sexy and fashionable, the more lucrative the project will be. Denim rug burn, pun intended, is our company's key to long-term growth.”
“It just makes me sick,” said McIntire. “They are manipulating these poor women into wearing jean shorts that are a crime against humanity, just to line their own greedy pockets!”
A representative for Monistat 30 declined to address the leaked emails, but added, “Women wearing swimsuits at the pool get wedgies all the time. High waist cheeky shorts are simply a permanent wedgie with denim. This is a lot of hysteria over nothing.”
Cindy Mayweather, Real Estate agent, mother of two and lover of sweat pants disagrees. “A wedgie at the pool is one thing. Denim lodged up women’s butt cracks on 5th Avenue is quite another. No one wants to see ass cheeks in front of them while in line at Starbucks. My eyes have rights too!”
When asked if the company was paying designers to create the shorts and also paying Kylie Jenner to wear them, the Monistat 30 representative deflected with the following statement: “Kylie is her own independent woman who thankfully just turned 18 a week ago. Have you seen her Instagram lately? It’s filled with fun, side boob, pizazz, and her bare butt cheeks look great in those shorts! We just love her and wish her all the happiness and fame for no reason.”
McIntire hopes the leaked emails will suddenly open some women's eyes to the fact multi-million dollar companies are manipulating them into allowing their butt cheeks and vaginas to flap in the breeze - an important point they all seem to me missing while jumping on this fashion band wagon.
“I’ll never stop fighting until this trend is a thing of the past. Women deserve better. Our butts and vaginas deserve better and the poor people walking behind us who have to look at our butt cheeks deserve better.”
As for Mayweather, she says she plans to wait and see what happens before taking any action. “For right now, I just plan to continue wearing my pant suit by day and my relaxed boyfriend yoga pants by night until this horrific trend blows over. Every generation has its own catastrophe they must survive and I guess this is just our burden to bear."
The Monistat 30 representative declined further comment.
This post is satire.