The Kids You'll Invite To Your House. Once.

The dreaded play dates. Anyone with a kid knows all about ‘em, and we all know there’s only so long you can avoid ‘em. And then one day, BAM. You get a call asking if your child can go over to their house to play, and you’re lured in by the idea of an afternoon all to yourself, but then the following week, you realize you’re expected to reciprocate the favor. So you do.
 
And THAT’S when you start making your list, because these are the kids who will never in the history of ever, be invited back. Ever.
 
The Ask-Her
Always following the sounds of whispering, your child begins mysteriously approaching you and asking for all the things she already knows is forbidden…Can we jump on the beds? No. Can we use every blanket, pillow, stuffed animal, towel, and bed sheet in the entire house to build a fort? No. Can she spend the night? Oh, hell no.
 
The Tattler
Listen up, kid. If I wanted a minute-by-minute play-by-play of what everyone is doing, I’d install hidden cameras. Nark on one more person in this house, and I’m shipping you straight back to yours.
 
The Picky Eater
Not to be confused with a kid with allergies, this kid just refuses to eat anything you offer, and doesn’t hesitate to tell you, “I don’t like that.”
 
Oh, did you think you were coming to a restaurant? Lemme call ya a ride home ASAP. 
 
The Follower
Somebody needs to explain to this kid that she’s here to play with my kid. Not tag along on my heels telling me her mommy wears make-up and asking why I’m still in my pajamas.
Lemme guess, your mommy bathes every day, too. You’re 8. Zip it.
 
The Destroyer
He leaves a path of destruction behind when his mom finally picks him up with no offer to help with the obvious wreckage. Oh, this mess your kid just participated in making? Don’t even worry about requiring him to help clean up. I totally needed something to do for the next 2 hours.
 
The Bully
Not only does she order your child around, whom she’s supposed to be playing with, but as an added bonus, she’s nasty to your other kids, too.
 
I’m sorry, but you’ve obviously mistaken our home for an episode of Mean Girls.
 
The Rude
It’ll take all of 10 minutes before you realize the words ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ don’t exist in this kid’s vocabulary.
 
The Whiner
Knows one phrase. “I’m bored.” And says it repeatedly.
 
Hey kid! Know where you won’t be bored? Your house. See ya.
 
The Reporter
She’s taking notes and makes no secret of the fact that she’ll be telling her mom everything…the cleanliness of your house, the taste of your food, how many bottles of wine are in your fridge … everything.
 
The Swearer
That’s right. I am. So if your little reporter is gonna make a federal case of my little slip-ups, please feel free to decline our invitation.