Jess' Five Helpful Ways To Tell You've Had A Boy Child

It was that glorious moment in the tiny, dark ultrasound room with four adults repeatedly apologizing for breathing on each others' necks, staring at what looked like a weird, mutant alien on a 10-inch screen. The one professional in the room piped in to tell us that in just a few short months, we'd be welcoming a baby boy.

Jess' Five Helpful Ways To Tell You've Had A Boy Child via @hahasforhoohas

As far as I could tell, the arrow she'd drawn on the screen looked like it was pointing to a janky thumbs-up. So I nodded and trusted that she knew what she was talking about. But not really. I'd have to wait a few more months to be absolutely sure she'd passed her boards.

I've decided that I shouldn't keep these tips from the masses any longer. Surely, there are more mothers-to-be out there that don't believe their ultrasound tech worth a squirt. Here are some surefire ways to tell that you've had a boy child:

1. He came out with boy parts. Just like they told you he would.

Be totally sure though. Check for yourself and then have three trusted personal witnesses check within minutes of delivery. It's amazing the crap that hospital staff can do with Photoshop these days. 

2. He responds to the male name you finally decided to give him 30 days after he was born.

I tested this tip tons of times for you guys. "Sally!" No response. "Genevieve!" No response. "Eunice!" Slight drool, no telling response. "Dylan!" BINGO. Alright, so maybe this isn't the most airtight test what with all the unisex names and naming-kids-after-objects like blankets and fruit. Shoot, I even have a unisex name...well...uh...

3. He looks really great in blue.

Alright, so this one seems pretty vain. And it actually is. If he looks handsome in that powder blue, seersucker overall and blazer set that great-grandma in Florida sent him, he's totally a dude. If that outfit clashes with the torturously giant, silk rose you've slapped on your child's head, it may be time to check on great-grandma. 

4. He giggles when he farts.

I guess this one is less "you've had a boy" and more "you've had a child". Welcome to parenthood. Just so you know, five years in the joke still never gets old. ::pffft::

5. He knows he came out with boy parts.

I've heard it once and twice and near a million times from fellow moms of boys. Once he discovers the very thing you had checked out four times over on his birthday, prepare to never, ever, evereverever forget that you've gone and made yourself a son. That thing is more fun than living in Disneyland. Trust me. I've asked.

So tell me in the comments...

What made you realize you were totally the mom of a boy?