I'm Just Brian Williams-in Ya!

Brian Williams was voted one of the most trusted people in America last year. It’s no surprise, really. That B.W. has a pretty honest face. I also think he looks awfully dapper in those snazzy suits. He probably smells like Cool Water cologne. Or Drakkar Noir. I want to go to Subway with him. I bet he eats Sun Chips.

I’ve digressed.

Anyway, that trust was shattered when Brian fabricated a tall tale about nearly being shot down while he was on assignment in Iraq twelve years ago. I actually heard him tell the story to David Letterman, and it sounded absolutely horrifying. I kept picturing a scene out of Platoon or Apocalypse Now.

But it turns out ole Bri was weaving a big fat web of fallacy. The helicopter he was traveling in was fine and dandy. His nads were never in danger of being blown off by an RPG. 

Bad Brian Williams. Bad, bad Brian Williams.

So now he’s watching Lester Holt host his show while he sits on his couch in boxer shorts eating Sun Chips. I bet he eats Sun Chips.

I’ve digressed. Again.

I guess this story has permeated by brain because I pulled my friend’s leg (figuratively, not literally) the other day, and then I said, “Nah, I’m just Brian Williams-in ya!” She laughed. I laughed. And I thought it was the most brilliant thing I’ve said since I uttered the words, “What the heck. Let’s get the bulk-sized vat of Nutella.”

So here are some examples in which you could say, “Nah, I’m just Brian Williams-in ya!” 

1. Sorry I’m late for work. I had to rescue 32 kids from a burning school bus this morning. The hair on my left testicle was singed and my teeth taste like charcoal. Nah, I’m just Brian Williams-in ya! I forgot to set my alarm. 

2. I don’t have my homework because three space monkeys came into my room last night and ate it. They also probed my Chihuahua with a banana. Nah, I’m just Brian Williams-in ya! Didn't do it.

3. I received some harrowing news at the doctor today. I contracted Swine Flu when I did that internship at the Jimmy Dean plant. Nah, I’m just Brian Williams-in ya! Ear infection.

4. I’d love for you to host a Scentsy party at my house next month. Nah, I’m just Brian Williams-in ya! I wouldn’t.

5. I’m sorry I can’t make our date tonight. I went to the zoo with my grandma this afternoon and she was accidentally mauled by a lion. Nah, I’m just Brian Williams-in ya! You’re ugly.

6. This is baby weight. Nah, I’m just Brian Williams-in ya! My kid is twelve.

7. I love Kanye. Nah, I’m just Brian Williams-in ya! He’s Doucheville: Population 1. 

8. I spent two hours in the grocery store today carefully selecting fruits, vegetables, spices and prime cuts of meat. Now I’m ready to cook a three-course meal for my family. Nah, I’m just Brian Williams-in ya! Spaghetti-O’s.

9. I love your Crocs. Nah, I’m just Brian Williams-in ya! Your feet look like Jason from Friday the 13th.

10. The doctor just called. You’re pregnant. Nah, I’m just Brian Williams-in ya! Hey? Wake up! I was just kidding! Hey! Get up! Are you okay? I was just Brian Williams-in ya! Oh, mercy. Someone call 911!  Wake up! Please?

The term "Brian Williams" can also be used for those who are known to embellish, exaggerate and flat out lie.

Kelly said, “The modeling agency absolutely loved me. They told me my body is a perfect ten, my face is absolutely gorg and my walk is flawless. They wanted to hire me right on the spot but it’s the slow season for fashion modeling. I'll probably be in Milan by spring, though. Can you believe it? I'm going to be a model!”

“Kelly," I replied, " I'm going to let the dog back inside the house. Put the paper sack over your face please. You know how much you scare him. Oh, and you’re such a Brian Williams.”

The possibilities for using this phrase are few.

Nah, I’m just Brian Williams-in ya!

They’re endless.